Okay?!?!
I am feeling okay today...tentatively okay...I am scared to trust it. I have been down this road before...The lows will come, I just wish I could enjoy the highs more instead of being afraid of the fall...the drop that I know is coming. But I am learning to trust the process, learning that I am so much stronger that I ever thought possible. I have been in the worst possible pain and fought my way through it. Now I want to try to quit fighting it. When it comes, I will try to sit with it, accept it...it's as much a part of me now as my daughter. I'd rather have her back...rather live moment to moment worried about her, knowing she is suffering, suffering right along with her. Feeling like a weak woman who knows she will take the easy way out if things get too bad.
Well, things HAVE been too bad...over and over...and they will be again. Somehow, I think if I can just accept the pain, maybe even embrace it as a strong reminder that I have a daughter, even if I can't hold her hand...even if I can't kiss her forehead, intentionally leaving lipstick which she pretended annoyed her but secretly I knew she loved.
Sisters...is this false confidence??? Am I getting ahead of myself?? It hasn't even been three months...Well, it's probably just a good day. So far...I just hope I can remember times like this the next time I am on the floor...and I really, really hope I can find a way to ride the waves of pain rather than fighting, fighting them off so hard...it doesn't work anyway.
Acceptance...I think that's the key, easier said than done, I know...but a great goal to work towards.
Well, things HAVE been too bad...over and over...and they will be again. Somehow, I think if I can just accept the pain, maybe even embrace it as a strong reminder that I have a daughter, even if I can't hold her hand...even if I can't kiss her forehead, intentionally leaving lipstick which she pretended annoyed her but secretly I knew she loved.
Sisters...is this false confidence??? Am I getting ahead of myself?? It hasn't even been three months...Well, it's probably just a good day. So far...I just hope I can remember times like this the next time I am on the floor...and I really, really hope I can find a way to ride the waves of pain rather than fighting, fighting them off so hard...it doesn't work anyway.
Acceptance...I think that's the key, easier said than done, I know...but a great goal to work towards.
Replies
Gina, this is a gentle breeze on a hot day. It is most welcome any time we are blessed with it! This loss is a roller coaster of emotions, and we enjoy the gentle moments when we have them. No, it is not false self confidence, it is the top of a hill when you can see clearly without the tears for however long it lasts.
You are doing extremely well for the short amount of time you\'ve been on the journey. I too didn\'t want to live anymore after Melissa died. I was thinking about going in my running car in the garage but something in me knew I couldn\'t do it. Was it my fear of not completing the task and maybe being brain damaged. I don\'t want to be a burden on anyone. I also thought about the many loved ones I would leave behind and I just couldn\'t do it. Take advantage of the good days. I accepted them because I knew the bad ones were coming also. I just took one step at a time and and one day at a time and before I knew it I was into the journey 5+ years. It seems extruiating in the beginning darlin\' but I want you to know that around year 3, I knew I was going to make it. I know you will get there too. HUGS, Connie
I think you are right..acceptance is key. It has been 3 months and 4 days. Last week was the worst week coupled with the best dreams and realizations. After I decided like you just did to just let it come, I started seeing Patrick in so many ways. The freer Patrick. I finally came to the conclusion that Patrick is better now. He is no longer in that torment that drove him to pull that trigger.
While I still miss rubbing his hair and having him jump me from behind and mock me...I choose to take this new Patrick and relish in it. I can\'t even look to tomorrow or the next hour..but now, I am grateful for his freedom.
I applaud your courage and want you to know that your beautiful, honest journaling has begun a healing in me. You write what I feel and cannot utter. I will continue to lift you up. Love and prayers, Lauri
Yes, okay for this moment and time for a huge exhale... Remember how we talked about this and you had another day or two that have been okay. This is what is slowly built upon and sorely needed when those days of coming to our knees happens.
I brought to the top of the FMO discussion section an article named, The Journey. It is on our website as well and I hope if you have not already read it that you will. It speaks to my heart and may for you as well. That is my hope...
Loving care on this okay day and embrace it gently as you are. They come and with more frequency as the days become months and the months turn into years. This is a promise the other moms gave to me and somehow I trusted and just kept taking those steps just as you are dear Gina.
With you and caring~
XO Joanie
Thank you sisters!
We travel this road in our own way, in our own time. Enjoy the peace you feel. Yes, the downs will come. In time, I came to realize that this was my new normal. Enjoy the ups and embrace the downs, knowing that they will pass. Also knowing that I HAVE a daughter, Lisa; as you HAVE a daughter, Cassi.
Take care.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I too hated the roller coaster of ups and downs. Fought the journey of one step forward and five backwards. I\'m so proud of you for realizing this struggle so early on, it makes me know FMO is working as my fearless superhero envisioned. Grieving mothers holding each other through the worst nightmare we could face and helping each other to see we can survive and live life after such heartbreak! Keep holding on, you can do it!
I always hated roller coasters,,,,,, still do,,,, wish we could all get off,,, enjoy the good days when they come,, accept the bad days,,, they will go,, love ya!
Dear Gina, we do have to take the good with the bad. If you have a moment of peace, embrace it!! Remember, one step at a time and breathe.....
(((HUGS)))...Julia
I don\'t think anyone can answer this question for you, although our beloved SOTH always try. Each of us is different. Denial, dissociation, emotional distancing...these are the things our minds do to keep us from literally going over the edge. All of these things are built into our biology (if we are mentally health), meaning intended by God as protection. One thing about a \"good\" day (well, not \"good\", but not horrible): if you have one, you know it is possible, and you know that when (not if) you fall back you can (and will) recover.
I published a journal on this ForMomsOnly profile about the cocoon of grief and you may want to read it...perhaps you have already read this, but I wanted to share it with you. Just click \'ForMomsOnly\' below this post and then go to my journals...it is titled \'Emerging\" there are articles or thoughts and messages there to read also if you wish. I post when the urge strikes me...
(my personal journals are on the profile \'AnnM\'--my early in grief journals start in 2006)
Looking back with different eyes now on my grief journey, I know that I will always have grief over losing my son--just like there is always an ocean--there is no getting around it--just through it. I think of grief as a \'wave\'...sometimes the waves are steady, sometimes gentle, sometimes rough--but they are always there...rather than a progression that implies moving forward--then backwards. After a while, I was able to weather the rough spots better, perhaps because I accept that \"there will be moments like this\"...perhaps because I know now that I will survive.
One day, you will see light/hope for the future...just knowing that may be enough right now.
Take gentle care of you,
AnnM
MIGHT BE EASIER TO USE THIS LINK:
ForMomsOnly journal entry of 1/17/2014
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/35160/journal/8891149
AnnM
I am only here for Hubby so that we struggle together with this horror. I could not leave him alone. Hoping for peace in this journey. Sending some for you. Love, Kathy xoxoxo
For me, acceptance truly was/is the key. I don\'t have to like it....can absolutely 100% hate it....but I MUST accept the truths of my human experience...and those of my daughter\'s.
And the greatest TRUTH of all, there is no death....only change.
Cassi IS! Always.
Kala IS. Always.
And our grief changes and we change and we can and do find our way through the darkness and into the LIGHT.
\"When it comes, I will try to sit with it, accept it...it\'s as much a part of me now as my daughter\".
Yes, this grief, this longing, this aching in my soul is forever a part of me. And I have learned to acknowledge it, sit with it, BE in those moments with it.....and then stand up again, wash my face again, and choose my destiny again....
Much love and tight heart hugs to you and your beautiful Cassi~~
I THINK GINA; ALL WE CAN DO IS LISTENIN G TO OTHERS WHO AVE BEEN THROUGH THIS HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE OF LOOSING OUR KIDS. ACCEPTANCE I DON,T EVEN KNOW AFTER 10 YEARS I HAVE ACCEPTED HER BEIN G DEAD. I JUST GET UP EVERYDAY TRY TO DO MY BEST RIGHT NOW. IN THE BEGINNIN G WHEN SHE DIED 1/18/2003 I DID,NT WANT TO LIVE. I WAS A M ESS FOR A FEW YEARS ANYWAY. I TAKE MEDS ALWAYS WILL. CAN,T SLEEP GOOD IF I DON,T PROZAC FOR MY DEPRESSION. BUT IT IS A LONG JOURNEY. I JUST DID WHAT I WANTED TO EACH DAY IF I WAS SO DOWN I JUST SLEPT OR CRYED OR STARED OR LOOKED AT THE VIDEOS OF MY ROZ... I GUESS I DID OK I,AM STILL HERE, AND STILL MISS M Y DAUGHTER. REALLY HOW COULD WE EVER FORGET OUR DAUGHTERS.. BLESS YOUR ANGEL. BIG WARM HUG AND SOME LOVE MARY ANN