Down
It seems so stupid to say this...because it's always the same, but here goes. I have had a bad few days (like I said, what else is new). I called my psychiatrist this morning and he is going to see me in the morning, so my visit with Ann will have to wait. I am not really sure what he can do for me, but really, what other choice do I have?? I have to try. I guess my hope is that there is another medication...one I am not taking...to take the edge off when things get bad. Sunday was 7 weeks, feels like an eternity. The person I was died that day too and the person I am now is pretty weird. I don't want to get dressed, don't want to wash my hair, don't want to do anything at all really. It's just too much of an effort. It's like brushing my teeth is climbing a mountain. I will never be normal again and I don't even care. At the worst times, the thought of hurting my loved ones simply keeps me living. The devastation left in the wake of suicide is always on my mind...no matter how much I am hurting, how much I want to be with my daughter...I don't want to hurt others the way she did. I don't blame her, I am not angry with her...I truly believe she was suffering more pain than she could bear. She wasn't thinking of the pain she would cause others, she just wanted her pain to end. I have a different perspective...having lost my child, having endured this, I do have to think of the pain I would cause others. I don't have the luxury of ignorance...I KNOW what happens to those left behind. So I keep breathing...on bad days it seems like that is the most I can manage...but I'm here. My mother won't have to bury her child, my husband won't lose his wife two months after losing his child. All of those who love me won't be consumed with guilt and unanswerable questions...what did I do wrong...what could I have done...
So right now, I am breathing. When I can do more I will.
So right now, I am breathing. When I can do more I will.
Replies
Oh my dear. Nothing you say on FMO seems stupid. You are saying how you feel and I for one have said the same thing over and over again! You need to let those feelings out and this is the safest place to do it. So don\'t ever hesitate to come her and spill it all.
I hear the heart wrenching pain. I am so glad you are going to see your doctor. Hopefully he will find some medication to help you.
As for being normal again. I believe that in time you will be able to function again, to enjoy life; but you are changed. It is a new normal.
You are new on this path that we all wish we did not have to be on.
One breath at a time. Be kind to yourself.
Love and gentle hugs,
Marlene
It\'s not stupid, it\'s the truth, and facing that truth. All any of us were able to do at 7 weeks was breathe, so just keep doing that. Us mothers always think of the pain caused to others by our actions, use whatever you need to to force yourself to continue breathing. Sending you love, strength and hugs! Lynette - Matthews mom
I,am sorry. this grief is a horrible thing to go through. but we never plan to loose our kids , its good your seeing a shrink. you will be normal again. in fact your normal right now just suffering this horrible loss. i was sick and depressed for almost 2 years . And aaaaa lllllI just had my sister and husband. Bless your special angel hugs mary ann
My dear sister, this is the beginning of a roller coaster ride from hell but it will smooth out, IT WILL CHANGE. It will take TIME. It will take prayer. YOU CAN DO THIS, IF I DID IT, YOU CAN.
\"Normal\"....all of what you report is sadly and tragically \"normal\". You may be angry at your daughter at some point, I still am on some days, that is OK. Last night I had a dream. In the dream I was taking Xanax from the prescription bottle, just taking it willy nilly. Suddenly I realized \"HOW much of this am I TAKING?\" and I spit out the pills in my mouth (in the dream). I woke up. I reached over to the bottle on my bedstand to be sure I hadn\'t actually taken as many as I had in my dream. I don\'t want to live, sister. But my life is not my own, it is God\'s life given to me, and I will not end it voluntarily. Nor will you.
There is no medication for this horror. But there is medication to mitigate its results. I had (and still do, monthly) a prescription for Xanax: .5MG 3X daily. In the early days, I cut them in half, and it worked: it relieved me of the horrible pain within about 20 minutes. Now, I take Xanax at bedtime or if I am in a horrible situation (as I am now) which heightens my grief. Then, in such situation, I take .5MG and follow it with 1MG at bedtime. NEVER ABUSE YOUR MEDICATION. Never take MORE than the prescribed dose. Take responsibility for yourself. Also: know that every single thing you are feeling, how you are behaving, how you are interacting, IS NORMAL.
Don\'t judge yourself sister. You\'re early in this journey. You really really need a good grief counselor and I hope you have found one. You really really need to understand that your husband is going to mourn differently than you do, because that\'s what happens. Mourning is torturous. It gives way to grief. Grief does not end, it changes. Don\'t forget: you have my phone #. Use it if you have to.
Breathing is all you can ask of yourself right now, Gina. I\'m grateful that you are seeking the counsel and help that you need and understand how much energy it takes to do that.
Your time with Ann will happen and no one gets it more than her that tomorrow is not the day.
It is never, ever stupid to describe how you are feeling and I know that I have said this to you before that I don\'t even remember those first weeks or even months. The same thought kept me going too... I just knew I could not do anything that would cause anymore hurt and sorrow for my family.
This is the worst heartache a mother could ever endure and you are doing just that. Surviving it one second, minute, hour and moment at a time is what it takes and one day you will look back and wonder how you could still BE here and you will BE. I am, all of your sisters of the heart are and this is the blessing of healing that is for each of us and not a unique few.
Please feel my heart enfolding yours and wishing that you were not in this agonizing anguish... Yet, you are and what I can do is witness it with you and companion you as best as I\'m able.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart dearest Gina,
XO Joanie
I know it doesn\'t seem possible but you will get through this...I had the exact same thoughts of wanting to end it all and be with my Melissa. But then I thought of the people I would leave behind and how it would affect them all. I know you don\'t want to hear this but it does get better as we take our baby steps and talk to our SOTH. I thought I would always be in the first stage of raw grief but that wasn\'t the case...some of the moms joined around the same time as I did. Most of us have progressed down the journey together. Will we ever be healed? Of course not but just walking the journey with those who have been through the same thing is what makes the journey more tolerable. I don\'t know where I\'d be here today...and the wonderful ladies in this group are the reason!! xoxoxo Connie
breathe,,,,, keep writing,,,,,, keep venting.... we have been where you are,, and we all love you...
Gina, I\'m so glad you are coming here and sharing your pain. You are so, so new to losing your daughter so everything you are feeling is so raw and yet so \"normal.\" I\'m really glad you are getting help even though you sometimes may not want to. You obviously have family and friends who love you, so keep fighting to keep your head out of water so you can continue to love and be loved by them.
It\'s going to take time for a scab to form over this worst of woundsGo easy on yourself and remember that none of us had a crystal ball, to see the future. We did the best we could at the timeGod is Merciful to uswe can be to ourselvesBaby steps, baby stepsLove, Donna
It has been two years for me and it still hurts soooo bad, but as time goes on you find a different normal and that pain that was in my chest and I couldn\'t hardly breathe softens. I promise you that in time the road is not as rocky. It doesn\'t mean you don\'t love or miss your angel any less but means that the acute pain is somewhat tolerable. In time you truly realize that you can breath and function. God bless you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
This is not something we should have to go through. It seems unfair. Just keep breathing. Sometimes I just put my hand on my heart and feel it beat in a quiet place. It just gives time to tap into our resources and time to feel our breath.
God bless my friend,
Joan xoxoxo
Never apologize for what you have to say to us! If that were the case, I would have been kicked out a long time ago :-). At 7 weeks, I was still a zombie. I was back to work but only because I had to. Co-workers would bring me food to eat. I thought I would never stop crying. Hang in there, keep talking to us. We are here for you and you are here for us. I tried to die via drinking myself to death those 1st two years. I figured that my younger son would be better off without me. I rationalized in all the wrong ways that I realize now. This will, I promise, get better if you allow the possibility.
Peace.
Vibes of healing and peace to you. Kathyxoxoxo
It is so very painful...and the person you were is gone...but the person you will be one day will be somewhat like the old you. You will learn to incorporate the pain into your life...you will live again. Please trust us...because we have been where you are...love and ever gentle hugs...Karen