Friday
I love my job and co-workers most of the time..I have a good relationship with them and because they are younger, they often ask my advice or talk to me...in saying that I was "harsh" with one of the moms this morning and I just need to "journal it out".....I trust you all and I trust that you will know I understand this mom's pain.
One of my co-workers here has 2 daughters, a 13 year old and an 18 year old - the 18 year old decided rules were too strict @ home and moved out without a notice, without a word to her mom. This happened 2 weeks ago...of course my co-worker is hurt, of course she "doesn't understand", "of course she is sad because her daughter is posting this & that on facebook, etc. I get it - it's a blow....Jennifer wouldn't come home @ nite sometimes, but she was on drugs and I worried myself sick.....In saying all of the above today - my co-worker is saying she doesn't want to "do anything" with her other daughter; she doesn't know if her life will ever be the same...You and I know, there needs to be a maturity level of my co-worker to realize this is about her daughter spreading her wings, not a dig to her mom but we sure take on the hurt and always think we as moms did something wrong, don't we? I have been listening to her, trying to point out the good, give it some time....she'll come around, etc....finally this morning, my co-worker said - I hate my life because of what she has done to me....I said in a soft voice, not angry, even though I'm sure it sounded harsh - "she didn't die" - you can see her on facebook - she's okay....your life will continue....you need to try and be there for your other daughter ....my co-worker thanked me but now I'm feeling maybe I shouldn't have said that (too late) -
Death of a child changes your life forever - death of a child changes your outlook on life - death of a child messes with your identity, hurts so bad that you can't even breathe, death of my daughter, Jennifer, feels like I've lost my legs and I'm learning how to walk again....a child moving out because she's angry???? the kicker is, my co-worker in her "not knowing" said - I now know how you feel.....I kept my mouth shut, walked away knowing in my heart, "no you don't but that's okay - it's all relative - the pain that she is experiencing...is devastating to her..SIGH.......
Okay - I've journaled it out....so grateful you are here everytime, anytime. Sending much love, Vicki
One of my co-workers here has 2 daughters, a 13 year old and an 18 year old - the 18 year old decided rules were too strict @ home and moved out without a notice, without a word to her mom. This happened 2 weeks ago...of course my co-worker is hurt, of course she "doesn't understand", "of course she is sad because her daughter is posting this & that on facebook, etc. I get it - it's a blow....Jennifer wouldn't come home @ nite sometimes, but she was on drugs and I worried myself sick.....In saying all of the above today - my co-worker is saying she doesn't want to "do anything" with her other daughter; she doesn't know if her life will ever be the same...You and I know, there needs to be a maturity level of my co-worker to realize this is about her daughter spreading her wings, not a dig to her mom but we sure take on the hurt and always think we as moms did something wrong, don't we? I have been listening to her, trying to point out the good, give it some time....she'll come around, etc....finally this morning, my co-worker said - I hate my life because of what she has done to me....I said in a soft voice, not angry, even though I'm sure it sounded harsh - "she didn't die" - you can see her on facebook - she's okay....your life will continue....you need to try and be there for your other daughter ....my co-worker thanked me but now I'm feeling maybe I shouldn't have said that (too late) -
Death of a child changes your life forever - death of a child changes your outlook on life - death of a child messes with your identity, hurts so bad that you can't even breathe, death of my daughter, Jennifer, feels like I've lost my legs and I'm learning how to walk again....a child moving out because she's angry???? the kicker is, my co-worker in her "not knowing" said - I now know how you feel.....I kept my mouth shut, walked away knowing in my heart, "no you don't but that's okay - it's all relative - the pain that she is experiencing...is devastating to her..SIGH.......
Okay - I've journaled it out....so grateful you are here everytime, anytime. Sending much love, Vicki
Replies
I don\'t think you were too harsh. I think she needed a reality check. And nope. She does not know how you feel and God willing, she never will.
Take care of you.
Love and hugs,
M
Vicki, I think you handled this perfectly. You gave her a reality check and yet and you were not unkind. It is so hard to tell people that our reality is so drastic compared to their reality. And no, they don\'t know how we feel and we would not want them to know.
Sending love and hugs,
Leda
You handled it just right. Sometimes people need the mirror held up to see the reality of their life. Good for you. Lauri
I think I\'d have had a hard time not to scream at her bull... Try having had your child die... not just having a struggle with you all\'s relationship... but on the other hand I know that when I was struggling to \'fix\' things in my daughter\'s life... I was so afraid for her... I honestly thought I was going through the worst that life had to offer... then Cara died... and fearfully I know better than to say that Cara\'s death is the worst that life can do to me... because I have a son and grandchildren... I guess what I\'m saying... at the moment... we think this is beyond description awful... then another stone drops... and now... I live in fear of other stones dropping... I\'m glad you tried to show your coworker kindly it could be worse... and she does need as we did to try to help and be there for her other children... My son wrote a letter to me April 2, 2006 about 6 months after Cara died that just broke my heart and filled me with remorse for the way I had made him feel. Basically he was saying he knew my world had ended and I had lost everything with Cara\'s death... and when I read that... I thought oh my... does he think I don\'t consider him important... It wasn\'t the message I\'d wanted to give him... but I do believe he felt that way at that time... Life is hard. Hugs Elissa
yes it is relative, but let\'s face it, her daughter may come home tonight.. ours can\'t and won\'t.
She needs to get over herself, if for no other reason than her other child NEEDS her.
Hell, if we can get up in the morning, so can she.
MaryLou
Oh how I love each and everyone of you for your responses...AMEN sisters!!
Much love to you all....Vicki
I agree with what most of the other Moms commented. I sometimes want to scream too when someone has the nerve to compare her situation with what any of us have faced. I have someone that is close to me that has a daughter that has told her she is gay. My friend can\'t accept this. I can\'t hardly stand to hear her talk about it. I finally told her get over it. At least she can see her daughter if she will and wants to and I can never see my Jeff. I am changed, like every Mom here. Much love to us all and like another Mom has said God Help Us All....Love to you, Nell
We are forever changed and sometimes we can bite our lips and take it and other times it just must finally be said. It\'s okay as you are speaking your truth and it does not have to be hers and perhaps she\'ll even just for a moment reframe some of what she is experiencing.
My sister was telling me that her daughter cried the other day because her brother is getting married and she\'s afraid she will \"lose\" him. It took everything in me not to scream in the phone and say, \"Sarah doesn\'t even have that luxury to cry over... she has no brother.\" Deepest of sighs...
Do not lose sleep over this one and hopefully, this woman will be able to work through her heart ache and give thanks that she still has her daughters. We just don\'t know what we truly have until it\'s gone.
Glad you could write and share my friend. Hopefully, your co-worker will never know this reality.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) and love,
XO Joanie
You are a very wise and understanding lady! You were not rude to her, but only put her hurt into perspective. Obviously this is the worst pain that she had suffered in her life so far. But, as you pointed out to her, her child is still alive!
Well handled, my friend! xxx
Everyone has given good advise, I agree your words hit right on... I hope you feel better now.
We will be here anytime you need
big Hugs Penny
\" I now know how you feel \" - oh boy, that really was the kicker. She should be so lucky, or unlucky I guess. You are right, perspective is everything - and it\'s so difficult to listen to those other perspectives now. You handled the situation with grace and kindness - and she probably will never understand the strength it took to for you to walk away quietly. You take care ~ Joanna x
Dear Vicki, I don\'t think you said ANYTHING wrong OR were too harsh. You have tried to help your co-worker to feel better all week. I think, in time, all your co-worker\'s fears & worries will blow over. Don\'t be too hard on yourself- you showed more patience than I would have in the same situation. I think you\'re amazing to show as much composure as you did!
Try to relax over the weekend & don\'t worry. It\'s not worth the time spent thinking about it -& certainly not the anxiety it produces.
Only a few more weeks of the school year left for her to stew over things. Who knows what changes there will be by Sept.?
Take good care of YOU, sweet Vicki. You\'re so loved here.
Hugs,
Donna
I don\'t think you were harsh at all. I admire your ability to stay composed and show her grace. Hugs, Paula
Vicki, hope this weekend will bring you some rest and peace. Your co-worker has to travel her path and I wish her some peace too. How gracefully you helped her. I hope she will come to realize that. Hugs, Kathy xoxox
You were just trying to point our some truths, to her. I think it is awesome, that you were able to keep your composure. People just do not realize what we feel, when they say they know how we feel!!
I do not think you were too harsh. Sounded to me like she needed a reality check!! ((((HUGS))))....Julia