TIRED
It's Monday, the beginning of another week. I have just had so many days now that I just can't get this heavy feeling of "not seeing my daughter", "not talking to my daughter", NOT, NOT , NO, NO......
I'm tired of looking for signs from Jennifer - I'm tired of knowing THIS normal - I'm tired of emotions rearing their ugly head whenever THEY feel like it. I'm tired of knowing WHY, but I'm even tired of that explanation. I'M JUST TIRED.
I try to be grateful for my job, my friends, my selfish husband, YOU amazing moms.....TODAY AND IT SEEMS LIKE FOR A FEW DAYS NOW, I'M TIRED.....JUST SICK MY DAUGHTER IS NOT HERE....TIRED OF THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD.....
I don't want look for a sign, I don't want people to tell me, this is normal, 2 major losses within the year....you are doing the best you can do....take care of yourself...BLAH BLAH BLAH
I want to SEE my daughter. I want to BE with my daughter. I want to ARGUE with my daughter...I WANT MY DAUGHTER HERE WITH ME. I WANT TO SAY THINGS I DIDN'T SAY WHEN SHE WAS HERE. I WANT TO TAKE HER TO LUNCH.....I WANT, I WANT BUT I CAN'T......
I can't and I'm mad, tired and so so sad....Have I just kept myself so busy with what I had to do and now that I have some time.....my emotions are present, here, taking over????
Thanks for being here for me.....I know you understand. Vicki
I'm tired of looking for signs from Jennifer - I'm tired of knowing THIS normal - I'm tired of emotions rearing their ugly head whenever THEY feel like it. I'm tired of knowing WHY, but I'm even tired of that explanation. I'M JUST TIRED.
I try to be grateful for my job, my friends, my selfish husband, YOU amazing moms.....TODAY AND IT SEEMS LIKE FOR A FEW DAYS NOW, I'M TIRED.....JUST SICK MY DAUGHTER IS NOT HERE....TIRED OF THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD.....
I don't want look for a sign, I don't want people to tell me, this is normal, 2 major losses within the year....you are doing the best you can do....take care of yourself...BLAH BLAH BLAH
I want to SEE my daughter. I want to BE with my daughter. I want to ARGUE with my daughter...I WANT MY DAUGHTER HERE WITH ME. I WANT TO SAY THINGS I DIDN'T SAY WHEN SHE WAS HERE. I WANT TO TAKE HER TO LUNCH.....I WANT, I WANT BUT I CAN'T......
I can't and I'm mad, tired and so so sad....Have I just kept myself so busy with what I had to do and now that I have some time.....my emotions are present, here, taking over????
Thanks for being here for me.....I know you understand. Vicki
Replies
((((((HUGS))))))......Julia
By coming here I learned from these moms that letting the emotions flow is beneficial. Feeling leads to healing. Ways to release those feelings may be different for each of us. Writing in a journal, writing a letter to our child, saying out loud what we wished we could say to our child, crying, screaming, music, art are a few things that have proven helpful. One or more may speak to your heart & as you find ways to release your feelings we will be here right beside you, understanding your journey. Hugs of compassion dear friend
I too have been in a pit for days..I got a post from Tom Zuba today..it fit. I just have kept so busy and now I want to miss Patrick and be allowed to do it. No expectations of support from my husband either. My Pastor saw me from the pulpit yesterday and made his wife call me today. He told her that My eyes did not look right. Nice man. My own man beside me sees nothing.
Are you on Facebook..if so I can send you the post. I am praying for you as hard as I can because I DO know right where you are. I love you Vicki and I wish we could have tea face to face. Lauri
Oh Vicki, there is nothing right or acceptable about your dear Jennifer having to leave so soon! This journey is horrible! I am so sorry and I understand. Tightest of hugs, Linda
Of course you are tired... This grief journey takes every single ounce of life force energy and then some! It\'s okay to feel tired of everything as you are and as the others have said to just allow yourself this grace to truly feel.
You have had to be busy because you had sorting to do, a storage unit to release and there was just no way around it. The busyness was out of necessity and that was a time of necessary doing. Now perhaps is a time to slow down and allow your feelings to wash over you dear Vicki as you are. You will not sink lower than you were when you began this long path and that is something always to remember. The very worst has happened and now you are trying to learn how to live with it, integrate it and it makes for a very weary spirit, I know... I remember going to bed at night and feeling as if I had run a marathon and maybe all I had done was brush my teeth, shower and empty the dishwasher on a \"good\" day.
The underlying sadness is always there for a mother who has had to give their child (children) back. Deepest of sighs...
The most tender loving care that I have your way dear Vicki and however you need to BE for today is ok even though it may not feel remotely so...
Hugs for dear Jennifer and her forever mom,
XO Joanie
Vicky, you know everyone says we all grieve differently. Going on instinct, it was all I had in the beginning, I made the decision to face my grief head on. Not run from it, not suppress it...just let it flow thru me, kill me if it would, it would have been a relief. So when it comes, I go head to head with it, feel it, cry and cry, scream, completely exhaust myself...at some point I feel purged...no happy, still sad, but the hell that descends upon me eventually lifts. That\'s just been my way...and then days I am like, \"What the f**k!!! Is this real??? She\'s really gone???\" Damn it hurts...but I go with it, experience it and I hope someday I will be able to start letting it go.
Vicki, as everyone has said this journey is so difficult. Sending you vibes of peace, Kathy
I get tired -- I want to sleep, but can\'t let myself sleep. I stay busy too, trying to keep the sad thoughts at bay. It\'s not a real solution, I know. All I can say is that you are not alone and you are entitled to be sad and mad and not grateful and not apologize to anyone for your feelings. I just hope you can feel some peace on occasion because you feel that peace. I\'m still looking for it! Thinking of you.
I so understand. Our daughters are supposed to be here dammit! I still have to keep busy or I can fall in to that black hole very easily. I cry easily but I can also laugh now.
Hang in. Grieving is exhausting and frustrating. We have lost our most precious kids and it just is wrong.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I understand.....
Grief is SO exhausting. I stayed tired, drained, confused and \"lost\" for so long.
I\'m sorry. Truly. Deeply.
Yes, I understand. what else is there to say. What\'s \"normal\" about any of this? Not a *$&#*( thing. Of course you\'re tired. Who wants to have a helmet of misery? Who wants to wake up every day with a question \"how bad is it going to be today\"? I understand. you are in my prayers.
This is the most exhausting place ( grief ). I work hard also busy work that on the weekends I am so tired and depressed I just sit in front of the TV like a zombie, which reminds me I have cloths in washer that need to be put in dryer they only been done for 2 hours. I just want to do what I want not what really should be done like house work and things. I know tired. I don\'t remember the angry stage maybe I skipped it or it is yet to come. Each journey is unique .
Sending tight hugs your way
Penny