Bad Day
Hello SOTH - Do you ever have one of the those days when you are just in a bad mood and you should just keep your mouth shut? I know what my mood is today and reality is no-one can say a word or "do" anything that is going to help me today. I am so sad today! I am so mad today! I have rested most of the day after arguing with my husband - don't even want the dog close to me....I wish I didn't isolate myself sometimes.....No-one can bring my daughter back....I just need to sit in my emotions today....don't like the way I feel but tomorrow is Monday and the smile has to be there for work....Today I just need to cry, rest, be mad and sad BUT I DON'T LIKE IT......
Keep telling me sisters that there's hope - this won't always consume me - I won't be so hard on those around me - Keep telling me - baby steps will someday lead to a better place where I can breathe. Keep telling me.....
I know you all understand - I know you too have experienced some of the same emotions I am experiencing....why now? It seems like it's getting harder everyday.....I thought reality had already hit me - guess not......Is the reality that I won't talk to my daughter ever again - what if I live another 20 years?
Never hearing my daughter's voice? Please tell me that my life will have value, and I will smile again...because today I'm not smiling, only tears ......I am lost without my only child, I am lost without my mom, I AM JUST FEELING LOST. Who am I? I'm not a daughter anymore, I'm not a mom anymore in the way I'm needed....Who the hell am I? I know somewhere in my heart I'm God's daughter but it feels like God sometimes isn't here......Anyone identify?
Keep telling me sisters that there's hope - this won't always consume me - I won't be so hard on those around me - Keep telling me - baby steps will someday lead to a better place where I can breathe. Keep telling me.....
I know you all understand - I know you too have experienced some of the same emotions I am experiencing....why now? It seems like it's getting harder everyday.....I thought reality had already hit me - guess not......Is the reality that I won't talk to my daughter ever again - what if I live another 20 years?
Never hearing my daughter's voice? Please tell me that my life will have value, and I will smile again...because today I'm not smiling, only tears ......I am lost without my only child, I am lost without my mom, I AM JUST FEELING LOST. Who am I? I'm not a daughter anymore, I'm not a mom anymore in the way I'm needed....Who the hell am I? I know somewhere in my heart I'm God's daughter but it feels like God sometimes isn't here......Anyone identify?
Replies
Can you take a walk into a park and then just stand there and scream, yell and cry ?? Do it until you can\'t do it any longer.
Your days WILL get Better...
I promise, but it does take time and even then you may have \"those\" days...I do.
The reality is you CAN talk to your daughter and if you listen very, very closely you may get an answer...Its in the wind, in the stars, the sunshine, and even the rain... its in the world around us we just have to be open...
many of our kids get mischievous and leave tokens for us...coins, feathers, numbers, songs but we have to be open enough to recognize it for what it is...
I wish you weren\'t so far away (only 3,000 miles) but still its not just a jump in the car and meet for lunch type of trip)
You are YOU... Yes you are still a daughter even though your mother has crossed... Yes....You are a Mother even though your daughter has crossed... the life experiences you\'ve had don\'t leave when our family goes
It\'s hard when I meet someone new who isn\'t aware of my Jenn and they ask how many children you have..my answer is now backwards, \"I have a daughter Kate, she\'s Married to Chris and they have 4 children, and my daughter Jenn passed on 6 years ago and left me 3 beautiful grandchildren.\" or something like that...
When Jenn got sick and the treatments were so harsh and horrible and eventually killed her as fast as the cancer...I was SOOOOO angry at God.. I thank my friend Janet for reminding me that God is ok with our being mad at him, he has broad shoulders, he can take it. and i\'m thankful he can because I was slinging it for a while. I can even go to church occasionally and last through the service without breaking down in tears.
Just remember, we don\'t expect smiles every day and we are OK with tears and sadness too...it is part of our lives now.
Tight hugs dear Soth... tight, tight hugs.
MaryLou... mom of Jenn
I am so, so sorry...I too feel overwhelmed when I think about 20 years...that\'s one reason people tell us to take it one day at a time...we can\'t tolerate the thought of being away from our children that long! My daughter was my only child too...and she died childless...no grandchildren for me :(. .
I am so sorry you have to paste that smile on your face tomorrow! I still haven\'t gone back to work...it was 12 weeks today when I lost the reason I thought I was born!! I thought my life\'s purpose was to deliver Cassi into this world...she could have changed the world, should have changed the world. You will smile again, I know that. You will never be the same, but there will be moments of joy, I promise. I promise sister!!! And when you feel overwhelmed, sad, that;s what this place is for. Much Love, Gina
it will,,, it takes time,,, I have also thought about those 20 years and how do I get through them...somehow we do,, and it helps to have sister along with you...love ya!
I can identify to much of it. I thought I was doing better then, wham! It is really 2 steps forward, 1 step back sometimes. I know we are being held by God right now, even if we can\'t see Him always. I just imagine myself with my face in the crook of arm. Then I just let loose. I am starting to get cranky as well and my family is seemingly moving on so much faster. This is definitely our wilderness time. Just know that it is being used for good, this grieving we have. We all keep each other afloat in this sea of sadness. Your posts reflect others silent feelings and that is healing and you get what you may need from others and so on and so on. That \"hope and a future\" that He spoke of is there just out of reach for the moment. Loving you tenderly, Lauri
Absolutely I had and can still have those kinds of days... Cocooning is a vital part of healing on this path and each of us feels the need and does it our own way. Some need to be out there, keeping busy, others need the silence and the time to withdraw and to cocoon and some need a bit of both. In the early days of my grief walk I sorely needed major cocooning time and gave myself what I needed. The world felt too harsh and bright to emerge into for long and if and when I did I was simply exhausted afterwards and cocooned some more.
You are working and out there so on the weekends or anytime that you have when you need this time just for yourself honor it as you are even though you may not like it one bit. It IS needed.
Our timetables are unique just as we are, yet one thing that I can tell you after almost six years is that the acute sorrow you are feeling now you will not always experience in the same way. The edges do slowly begin to soften and you will learn how to live with it. This becomes our life\'s work now...
Gentle, gentle care as you make your way knowing that you have anchor places to tie up to when needed. I consider FMO to be one of mine.
Loving care and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
I can also identify. And I still am struggling. But there has to be a time when it won\'t be like this, it\'s better than it has been. I have had weeks where I felt almost \"free\" of it, so I know it\'s possible. I am now at a place where I think this is going to be my companion forever and I just go one day at a time, one night at a time. It\'s why I travel. I fill my head with beautiful places, historic places, holy places, and people, events, etc. so there\'s some \"padding\" around the raw spot. I know how horrible it is, but I also know it\'s \"normal\".
I\'m having a bad day, too -- but I do have good days or at least numb days when the pain isn\'t so close and present. So, I know you will make it through this. And we are all here with you -- you are not alone.
I know how you feel. I miss my only child and mother. Both gone. It has been 10 years and I feel empty and unhappy. it does get better I guess that is all we tell ourselves. But it does , but it is never the same no more. But You won,t have the grief as bad as you do now. Your instage one it is so hard the jouney of grief. But you will experience joy and peace in your life again. Bless your sweet angel. Big warm hugs and love Mary Ann
You need time to feel the feelings, to express your feelings. Let it out! You are needed; I know it doesn\'t feel like that now. It took me a very long time to find my place in this new world. But I have to say, there are still days when I just want to be by myself and scream and yell and cry. I know now that it is something I need to do for me. Then I get on with things. This new \'normal\' is hard to get used to. Just know you are not alone. You are loved and needed.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Your coming out of the shock and now you feel more. As Mary Lou said scream cry punch a punching bag just to get it out. What ever you find that works. This is not the last of it so if you find your outlet keep going back till it is no longer needed. I went and still go to the gym. I will work my ass off till I am to tired to care, go home and take a hot shower and cry.... That is what worked for me and also the people here. When you find your thing keep it up.
Sending tight hugs to help you get through the day
Penny