Today
Well today has come. In 3 hours we start the errands that proceed the "life celebration" Thank you all for your support. It helps to know there are others who have survived. God the world looks bleak and dark. I already wish today was over. I do have something to look forward to tomorrow.
I totalled up my losses this month. I have had 5 losses this month alone. I sure hope I am getting all the bad stuff done with for the next...say 100 years this month. All I can say is what next. What happens after today? How do I even look forward to the little stuff when the big stuff overwhelms it all. How do I smile when I have tears tracking down my face and my heart broken into a million pieces?
Sorry I am rambling. I wish..... I don't know of any wish that would make me happy that could actually come true. My son back? I guess it won't ever happen. My death? It would make a lot of people feel like I do and I can't do that to anyone. So I am stuck. I will never have a surprise visit from my son to lighten a dark day. I will never hear him talk, a sound as sweet as music. I will never feel the love flowing off of him like the sun shining on a winter forest. I feel a lot like that winter forest. Everything dead covered in cold snow.
Ok, ok I am off. Sorry for going on so.
I totalled up my losses this month. I have had 5 losses this month alone. I sure hope I am getting all the bad stuff done with for the next...say 100 years this month. All I can say is what next. What happens after today? How do I even look forward to the little stuff when the big stuff overwhelms it all. How do I smile when I have tears tracking down my face and my heart broken into a million pieces?
Sorry I am rambling. I wish..... I don't know of any wish that would make me happy that could actually come true. My son back? I guess it won't ever happen. My death? It would make a lot of people feel like I do and I can't do that to anyone. So I am stuck. I will never have a surprise visit from my son to lighten a dark day. I will never hear him talk, a sound as sweet as music. I will never feel the love flowing off of him like the sun shining on a winter forest. I feel a lot like that winter forest. Everything dead covered in cold snow.
Ok, ok I am off. Sorry for going on so.
Replies
Everything you are feeling is exactly the way I felt and the way that almost any mom on this site felt! There are no words to comfort you, I wish there were. No one seems to understand why we grieve so long except another mother who has been there. This is why we call each other \"SOTHS\" or Sisters of the Heart. To say that this is a life changing event is inadequate. So here you can cry, vent, ramble etc. here. We tell our new moms to \"be gentle with yourself\" which means treat yourself kindly, getting through each day is tough! If you feel like you can\'t get through another day, then just breathe, take one breath, then another. Sometimes it just overwhelms us.
Tight, but gentle hugs,
Leda
I am so very sorry for your loss, Angela. I lost my 17-year old son, Jackson, five months ago also. I can still remember being in shock and disbelief during his celebration of life. I went and cried and hugged friends and family and looked like I was surviving and coping well, but wasn\'t. It sounds like you may be doing the same thing as you go through the motions of ordering pizza and balloons and greeting your friends and family. No one who has not lost a much loved child can have any idea that what you look like on the outside is so different from what\'s happening within you. I wish you strength as you go forward and welcome you to a community of other moms who understand and care about you.
Laura
It is amazing...but somehow you will survive. I remember thinking it would be okay if I died. I would never harm myself and like you knew more heartbreak for others. I say this so you know we really do understand. And here I am nearly 7 years later...surviving. And I DO enjoy life...you will too. Love and gentle hugs. Karen
Loss is a terrible thing & you have had too many in such a short time, especially traumatic is the loss of a child. How you are feeling is understandable.
One of the 1st things the moms here said to me was \"be gentle with yourself\", as Leda has mentioned. When I heard that I thought.....what?? But it has definitely proved to be very good advice. Losing a child puts us in a very vulnerable & fragile position, kind of like we are now in critical condition. We will not respond to things the way we used to. We are changed. It would be good if everyone knew to treat us gently after our trauma, but sadly most do not know how, even though they may want to. Seems like other moms who have suffered the same kind of loss are the ones who know the importance of being treated gently. We may not get that much needed treatment from others, so it\'s important that we are gentle with ourselves.
I hope today in your son\'s \"life celebration\" he was honored in a way that touched your heart. He will always be your son.....and he will be remembered always & forever. Hugs of compassion..... Vicki
I am sorry for your loss...It takes a while and cannot be rushedthis \"feeling like I can survive\". Baby steps, and taking it one day at a time (often said but oh so true)eventually peace will lighten your darkness.if you have A Higher Power, He/She can help--Jesus is the one I turned to and He came through for me \"big time.\"
Peace, Donna
Before I went to my son\'s funeral I got down on my knees in my bedroom and begged God for the strength and courage to get through the day. And I did somehow. I felt I had to be strong for Doug (my son who passed). In the beginning all I could think about was that he was gone and I just wanted to be with him. How easy it would be to just drive off the road into a tree. But what kept me going was my other son who was alive and needed me. He has been my strength. Don\'t let anyone put a timeline on your grief or that you \"should\" do this or that. If you want to stay in bed all day so be it. I think I lived that first month in a haze. We all get through this journey in our own way. Sending much love your way. Sue xo
I wish you peace. I am so sorry this month has been so traumatic. Just know you are not alone. Please take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to stay afloat.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Thank you all. I finally got through the celeration. God it was hard! My dad made a cd of James Robert\'s photos and I cried though it all. It was the longest 11 minutes. Now the really hard part comes. Trying to get \"back to life\" I know without a doubt I couldn\'t do it without my roommates. They have been my rock through all this. I want to thank you all as well.
My heart aches for you my new friend.
One moment, one breath at at a time darling...you will survive this horror.
Much love to you~~
I thought of you often dear Angela... It feels as if it was a heartfelt celebration and you navigated it as best as possible. This is all one can ask...
Our society does not value this mourning time that is needed when one fully grieves a loss such as what you are experiencing. There is a \"belief\" that once the service is over one should be ready to \"move on.\" Your timetable is unique for you and there are no goals or finish lines to get to so please be so very, very gentle with your shattered heart. This grief path becomes a work of a lifetime and we are each forever changed.
You only need enough light for your next step so don\'t try to see too far down the tunnel. Just taking it moment by moment and breath by breath makes it bearable.
That was a huge hurdle you walked through yesterday so take time to fill yourself back up as you used so much life force energy of that I am certain.
Loving care and the tightest of heart (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
I know that the celebration of Life was very difficult...I remember thinking during Daren\'s service, that I always went to all of my son\'s achievements, awards, recognitions, performances, football & baseball games, band concerts, birthdays, graduation...in the future...college graduation, wedding, births, anniversaries...never, never, never did I think of a memorial service...I would be gone before him...I went with every bone in my body screaming at the harsh reality of it...
I so understand...there are moments that I remember vividly and others that are a blur...I so understand.
Gentle hugs,
AnnM
{{{HUGS}}}
There are no words to make it better...
Hugs, marylou ...Jenns mom
Love and strength to you as you go through this impossibly hard time. \"I can\'t go on. I will go on.\" That\'s the contradiction we live. The intensity of the pain eases with time. The sadness of loss is always there. Much love to you.