I have spent the past 2 hours going over old Facebook messages and my timeline. It is amazing taking a look at the difference in who I was and who I have become. I used to be social, fun, and able to actually hold a conversation. Now I'm reclusive,  boring, and unless it's a literary debate or a subject I feel proficient in I'm basically just taking up space. I had such high aspirations to change the world now they have changed dramatically.  I want to build a life with the girl I am deeply in love with. I want to marry her and have children with her. Grow old with her and remind her everyday how much I love her.
is it possible that 5 years in almost complete isolation has made me that horrible?  Why have I let this go this far? Why have I let it get this bad? Outside of Mar, who is the only reason I smile anymore, it feels like I am treading water in a sea of darkness. Am I really that messed up? Why am I like this? My self loathing has seemed to skyrocket lately.  I have cut back on eating ever since I got back. I haven't had the heart to tell her. I binges for the first time in a few months. I don't know why I hurt so much or why my delusions are getting so much worse. Well I guess the sudden lack of endorphins could account for how I feel but that should have been over a while ago. my delusions though. Could that be due to plain old fashion jealousy mixed with the paranoia of no longer being needed? I don't know. What I do know is that once I get settled in Washington I am going to start looking for a therapist and possibly try to get on medication to try and be, in part, what I used to be. Right now I kind of miss the person I was. I think Mar would like that person more and everyone else would like that person more and that includes me.