I don't know why this scares me so much But I do know why I hate myself right now. I guess it's my own fault.  I knew I wasn't good enough for her.  Now she wants me to treat her like a child. I don't know if I can do that. I wanted someone I could start a life, an equal, with not another child to look after. I really just want to kill myself right now because it's obvious I am not nice or caring enough for her. I probably should because then she would just get over me faster so she can find someone new. Someone who will treat her the way she wants to be treated.  I do what I can but I guess it's not enough. I'm never enough. Dylan would enough and she wants to fuck him so why not just kill my fucking terrible human being self and let her run back to him? Actually that seems like a great idea. I might try that