Why the fuck would I say yes. I want to kill myself so bad right now. I don't know what to do.  I feel like such an asshole I don't deserve her. I'm such a fucking asshole. Want nothing more than to use the noose attached to my door hinge and just hang my fucking self. I have enough money since I just drained my 401k For the trip. I could just go buy a shotgun and blow my head off which has a 97% chance of working. I honestly don't care how I do it. I just wish I could think of a punishment that would fit what I did. She said she's ok but I know she's lieing. I will hopefully think of something. I can't handle how I feel right now.  It makes me want to die.  I hit myself a few times but that's not enough.  I have to live for at least another hour so I can wake her up but after that I don't know. She deserves someone souh better than some fucking 2 timing son of a bitch who is so fucked up that he doesn't feel needed or wanted by the his girlfriend.  I know I wasn't her first choice and I know she doesn't need me at all she has too many amazing friends that look after her and let's be honest who the fuck would want an unemployed,  fat, ugly, insane, just all around fucked up guy to be their boyfriend. I know I'm not good enough for her because since we started dating she is high more often, she cuts more often, and more bad shit has happened to her since Dylan left. Maybe he is the better guy and I shouldn't have tried to take her away from him. Sure he didn't appreciate her as much but she seemed to be doing better with him than she ever has with me. maybe she would be better off if I just disappeared. She doesn't deserve the shit I have put her through. She's so amazing and I'm so fucked up. She's too good for me and I just keep fucking it up over and over again.