I am frustrated.  Everything is always my fault so this time wasn't any different.  I have been putting a smile on for my family for the past week or so while constantly wishing I was dead.  I have tried dissociating through video games till this feeling of self loathing and the suicidal thoughts disappear but they aren't this time.  She's pissed at me because I don't text her anymore. It still fucking hurts to talk to her but it doesn't matter. I am a terrible human being and I should just end it. I have been waiting to hear back from a mine in winnemucca until I make my decision but it seems to be taking forever. Don't even know whow I'm writing this.