Today was Kayla's birthday. It was a terrible day up until her party where  everyone seemed to be able to put aside the things that happened earlier in the back of their minds. Kayla seemed ecstatic that we took her to Peter Piper Pizza and she is not aware of what happened earlier in the day. 
My grandma went to poker like she does every Sunday but this time my mother showed up looking strung out.  Saying she has been living on the street and that she has been clean since she lied to everyone and disappeared from the psychiatric facility about 3 weeks ago. She is staying with my uncle and aunt now. Tomorrow we will try to get her into a facility again but I know she won't stay there long. She says she loves us more than anything but it's obvious she hayes us. All she does is use us then disappears until she needs us again. So this situation has my family stressed out which makes me stressed out.
Today also reminded me of the son I almost had. He was conceived around the same time as Kayla. If Rachel wouldn't have been so careless. .. I don't know. Maybe her and I would still be together. I wouldn't feel so lonely and worthless. But I guess God decided I wasn't ready. I guess it's okay. I would be a terrible father anyway but it still hurts. .. a lot.