Well 6 weeks clean were kinda just wasted. Saw my old favorite blades whichnthe store never seems to carry and I bought them. Went out to my car and made 7 short cuts on my shoulder. I have never felt that calm before. It was like I was hypnotized by the blood running down my arm. I didn't feel any pain just calm. Like I was in that moment and nothing else mattered. I had been pushing my urge to cut in the back of my mind behind everything else but now I just want to feel that feeling. That calmness.  That wonderful sensation.
On another note.  I have been super stressed out.  I love her more than anything but I can't.  She's not making it easy for me to get over her. Tonight was the second night in a row she got high and texted me. She wanted more but I turned her down. I can't be the other guy again. She loves Dyl. I know she does otherwise she wouldn't be engaged to him. It's just tough to try and get over her with her being so flirtatious when she is high. I need to get over her but I don't want her completely out of my life. I don't know what to do at this point. I thought I was doing well but it's gotten more difficult lately. I guess I'll just have to try and be stronger. Try even harder to turn off my feelings for her.