6 weeks clean and I'm on the verge of cutting again.  Maybe I do belong in a psych ward.  My panic attacks have increased to 4 or 5 a day since I started trying to quit smoking.  It's not like I quit cold turkey either. It's beginning to seem like I need one or the other. Like I need to be self destructive. I guess it shouldn't surprise me. My mother's the same way. I wanted so much to not be like her but I guess I am. Only real difference I guess is that I don't have any kids even though I should have. He would've been 8 this year. I guess it's a good thing he isn't here because I know I would be a terrible father just like my mother was terrible at treating her kids as anything more than pets. Not like I could find anyone to share my life with. I am not as good as her when it comes to love. I can't get close. When I do I always end up hurt and when I am hurt I try to push that person away. It's like they break down my wall then I push them out and try to rebuild. I guess I have gotten weak. I care about someone so much I push them out. They are stuck right where I should be rebuilding. I can't get her out of my head. I love her too much. I can't say that. I have to stop telling myself that. She's taken. Nothing I can do about that. Hell even if she wasn't I would be too afraid to ask her out. I mean it's obvious I'm not good enough for her. I'm beginning to think I'm not good enough for anyone. That shouldn't surprise me. I'm fat, unemployed, possessive and crazy.  Why the fuck would anyone want me.  This us leading me to a bad spot. I guess it's time to switch to my other journal. 
P.s. If you read and felt guilty please don't. It was not my intention. This is just a vent/rant