Venting
She messaged Jess. I guess that's the last time I tell anyone my plans. One less person I can trust I guess.I know she cut but wouldn't tell me. I thought we tild each other everything. She keeps saying she needs me but she really doesn't. She said everyine leaves her but she never thought I would. Funny thing is she never texts me unless Dylan is asleep. Hell she fell asleep when I had a rope around my neck waiting to pass out. I guess this is why I'm frustrated. I'm not angry just frustrated. I don't get it. I am always there for her. I have a feeling if she reads this she will play the victim again. she will guilt and manipulate me... or try to.
I had to lie to Jess which I hate doing. She saw the rope and asked about it I made up that couldn't find the leash for turbo. She asked about the message. I said I was trying to fake my death. She bought both of those lies. And why shouldn't she? This is my first time lieing to her.
The one thing that bothers me the most is when M is drunk or high. She comes on to me pretty hard saying I was her first choice. Why didn't I ask her out? She says things like she is just waiting for D to hurt her again (wouldn't be surprised if he was still two-timing her. Not because of her appearance because she is hot but because he has done it twice now) and one of my favorites, how she was working to get better so she could date me. I have realised these were probably all lies. Or at least half truths. I don't know what she really wants from me. These mixed messages are really messing with me. Because when she is sober she doesn't talk to me unless I initiate it. When she does initiate a conversation with me I get to wait a half hour to an hour for a response. .. if I get one. I know she works so during work hours I dont mind. It's after work or before. I guess I am just selfish. She has a life outside of me. But it only takes 5 seconds to respond to a text. I'm just afraid she'll leave. It feels like she already has.
I find it funny how she thinks I'm happier. Honestly I feel worse. I feel like even more of a failure. I will keep trying but this was the last time I will tell anyone about it. I just need to find a way to target the carotid artery better. My problem was I was stopping bloodflow out of the brain but the blood going in. That's why I didn't pass out. Once the bruise is gone I will try again honestly right now it hurts to talk and my voice sounds a little off to me. The bruise isn't visible because I didnt shave yesterday so my facial hair hides it pretty well.
If you read this and you are hurt I am sorry. This is just me venting and is honestly not dark enough for my written journal.
I had to lie to Jess which I hate doing. She saw the rope and asked about it I made up that couldn't find the leash for turbo. She asked about the message. I said I was trying to fake my death. She bought both of those lies. And why shouldn't she? This is my first time lieing to her.
The one thing that bothers me the most is when M is drunk or high. She comes on to me pretty hard saying I was her first choice. Why didn't I ask her out? She says things like she is just waiting for D to hurt her again (wouldn't be surprised if he was still two-timing her. Not because of her appearance because she is hot but because he has done it twice now) and one of my favorites, how she was working to get better so she could date me. I have realised these were probably all lies. Or at least half truths. I don't know what she really wants from me. These mixed messages are really messing with me. Because when she is sober she doesn't talk to me unless I initiate it. When she does initiate a conversation with me I get to wait a half hour to an hour for a response. .. if I get one. I know she works so during work hours I dont mind. It's after work or before. I guess I am just selfish. She has a life outside of me. But it only takes 5 seconds to respond to a text. I'm just afraid she'll leave. It feels like she already has.
I find it funny how she thinks I'm happier. Honestly I feel worse. I feel like even more of a failure. I will keep trying but this was the last time I will tell anyone about it. I just need to find a way to target the carotid artery better. My problem was I was stopping bloodflow out of the brain but the blood going in. That's why I didn't pass out. Once the bruise is gone I will try again honestly right now it hurts to talk and my voice sounds a little off to me. The bruise isn't visible because I didnt shave yesterday so my facial hair hides it pretty well.
If you read this and you are hurt I am sorry. This is just me venting and is honestly not dark enough for my written journal.
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