I guess I wasvhoping she wouldn't get jealous now that she has someone.  I guess I was wrong.  I may just disappear for a while.  I love her but this whole she can date but I can't thing is killing me. As i have said several times I would have asked her out once she was over her Ex but not wanting to be the second choice screwed me over. I guess I just don't know what she wants from me and I just want her happy which she seemed to be with him. not sure if I'm still on for tomorrow night.  No-one's home so it is a great opportunity but I can't tell if she needs me as a backup to her fiance or not.  I guess my love for her is getting in the way of killing myself again.  I shouldn't feel this way for her but I do. Correction I can't feel this way for her if I want her to be happy. And she can never reciprocate my love for her if she wants to be happy. Im sorry.  I fucked up.  I promised myself I wouldnt get hurt by her again but I can see it happening already.  I know she doesn't need me.  No-one needs me.  So what's the point of living when you are not needed? Maybe I need to figure that out for myself.  I guess if I am still here Sunday I may ask my family for some money to leave. I went too far tonight.  I need to be punished.  I guess exile from this life might be fitting.  I don't deserve this life I have. I have squandered it. Perhaps by removing my life from this current plane of existence I could start over in my next life. I dunno. It's late.  I should go for now. I guess fairfarren all