I am in a dark place and have been for a while. I dissociate as much as I can but it's not enough.  My mother wanted to know why I am off my pills. When I told her I can't afford them sge said that I should qualify for SMI benefits.  Thing is yeah, I do but I don't want them. Kinda like I don't want AHCCS(public health care). I don't want to be a burden anymore than I already am. Especially when I would be a burden to people with actual jobs. I know I'm not going to lower taxes by even a penny it's more the principle. 
With my mother being cpmmited to a psych hospital I had to ask my grandmother if she was planning on committing me. she saud only if she thought it was necessary. Thing is she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. She doesn't know how darkbmy thoughts have been the past 9 months. She doesn't realize how close I am to commiting. She doesn't know that I actually have a date set again. She doesn't realize that my mother attempting suicide only delayed my plans a couple of weeks. She won't realize until I am dead that I am completely miserable.  That last one is probably a good thing. I'm tired of being an embarrassment, a failure, and a leech. I have been so close to cutting again but that is only temporary.  I need a permanent solution. this isn't a temporary problem like people say this is permanent so it requires a permanent solution.