Slowly falling into this abyss. Is this all my life is supposed to be?  Am I meant to just be alive without a purpose or meaning. My only happiness is talking to her but it seems like I am pushing her away. I don't want to but I can't help it. i am fading away from her life slowly but surely. I guess it's what I'm good at. I'm always the one who sticks around until I'm no longer needed then I fade out until I am forgotten.  Thing is I don't want to do that with her.  I love her and that's probably why I'm pushing her away.  I don't want to get hurt again but it seems worth the risk. All the shrinks I have seen over the years have told me I have abandonment issues which makes sense I guess. Maybe one day I'll get over this bullshit baggage I have but it's not fair to make her wait for me. I am writing this in a depressed state. Most of my shrinks had said I couldn't tell when I am depressed or manic but they are wrong.