Well today was a wasted day. I slept through most of it. With my depression back and being sick I guess it's understandable. Jess and Kayla decided to stay another night at their dad's place.
I feel really bad for not texting her all day. I'm sure she was happy not feeling obligated to text me back while she had fun at pride day. When we finally did text tonight I had this strange feeling like she wanted to tell me something. I don't know what but I hope by now she knows she can tell me anything and my feelings for her won't change. I really do love her but if she finds someone else I won't stop her or make her feel guilty for pursuing that relationship.  As long as she is happy everything will be ok. And honestly I have ran the numbers several times. The chances of us ever being together are slim to none and the chances of a relationship working out and us getting married are even slimmer. When I am scared, frustrated,  or insecure I have to run numbers to keep me calm and prevent an anxiety attack because I always have to take into consideration risk vs reward.  I guess I am just like that. Every move I make, every text I send, and almost every thing I do is calculated and based on that principle. I hate myself for it but it is just who I am.  Now dont take me running the numbers on us to be a sign that I dont care. In fact it's quite the opposite.  I care a great deal and yes it would hurt for a bit after she chose to be with someone else but as the old adage goes "time heals all wounds". I guess this is just me rambling on about my insecurities more so than anything. Yes I do love her yes I think she is amazing but it's only a matter of time until someone else sees that or realizes it.