I had that dream again. She and I were were hanging out just watching a movie and she pulls out one of my blades and she violently starts cutting her wrists until we are both drowning in blood. Then I wake up in a hospital bed and on a nearby table is a bunch of pills, a blade, and a gun. I take the gun and with tears streaming down my face I shoot myself in the head. I windbup at the pearly gates she is on the other side. Saint Peter says because I took responsibility for her life and she killed herself I can't enter. He sends me hell. Then I wake up wanting to kill myself or cut. I have had this dream every night for the past week.
This the worst recurring dream. I have 8 days left. Nothing can seem to change her mind. So within 9 days I will be dead. I honestly don't see the point in staying clean right now except to try and keep some stress off of her and to keep my promise which won't mean shit in a week. You said you would be here. You said we would live a long happy life together. Right now it seems obvious you are like everyone else. Tell me you love me then leave me. People wonder why I isolate myself from everyone.  Why I haven't been happy in so long. It's because as soon as I get attached people leave. It's obvious no one gives a damn. I am a waste of space. A fat loser that can't even help himself let alone anyone else. I am not a productive member of society. No one really gives a damn about me so why am I still fucking here. Oh that's right because of a fucking promise I made. 
Im sorry. I'm not thinking straight. I'm going to try and go back to being numb. Not able to feel is better than feeling anything. Even happiness is fleeting.