failure

I realize I am a failure.  I wish I wasn't.  Her date is the 27th and I can't decide if I want mine to be the 14th or the 27th. I want to see her irl before her date but I am so damn broke I could barely make it out of state. I have enough stimulants to give an elephant a heart attack so the only question is when. I can't handle losing her so it might be best if I go first. On the flip side if I go first I can't predict how she will react. I have tried my hardest to help her. I guess it's just another failure to add to my life. I love her and losing her... well there's no reason for me to be here if she isn't. Along the same reasoning,  what's the point of staying clean if im just going to commit anyway. I'm done. Either way I won't be seeing another July. If I do happen to make it I guess it will be ok but I doubt I will. I thought I was doing something good. I thought I was helping her. I was an idiot in thinking that I coudld help anyone. I guess I am just useless. I still love her more than she knows but it's obvious I can't do anything to help her even in a life or death situation.  Maybe I should just get it over with and kill myself tomorrow when I'm out for my morning jog. I dont know to much shit to think about and predict.  All I know is I hate myself more than anything right now.