I feel like shit at the moment.  I am terrible at comforting or helping people when I am not physically around them. Also I fell asleep like a total fucktard last night and it took her about an hour to reach me. I felt like total shit and couldn't fall asleep after that. I just sent her a pic of my scars not even thinking and totally fucking triggered her. I can't seem to do anything right. Why do I always fuck shit up. I hate myself so fucking much right now. I want to cut so fucking bad but I can't.  I can't do that to her. I love her so damn much but I can't seem to help at all. Everything I do is just a total fucking clusterfuck. I can't stand this. It hurts too fucking bad. I just want her to be happy but I can't do anything to help with that. I always just screw it up.
Maybe if I can get the cash I could take a roadtrip to clear my head. Go visit some old friends in Cali or something.  Only problem with a roadtrip is I will probably gain all the weight back that I've lost and by the end of June I want to be down 20lbs. I doubt that will happen because I have only lost 5 so far. Maybe I need to step up my workout and run 3 hours instead of only 45 minutes.
I am having some major suicidal urges I know I won't commit because she would not be happy if I did. I dont know what I want or what to feel anymore. The only thing I seem to be feeling is failure. Failure as a guardian,  failure asba friend,  failure at life in general.  I don't know. ..right now I am just rambling so I guess I'll end it here