Today felt extremely weird. I have had a headache for the past week. It seemed to be getting better then all of a sudden it got really bad. I hardly talked to her today. She was going through some rough stuff again and I could barely look at my phone my head was hurting so bad. Kinda pissed at myself for not being there for her... again. ummm lets see my suicidal urges are back and I was playing with one of my blades earlier deciding if I wanted to cut or not. Oh yeah my grandpa(the only family member not to know I was cutting) askes about my scars this morning. He said he doesn't really care as long as I don't start doing it again. I'm sure if I started again I would probably be asked to leave.
I really want to cut but I don't at the same time. I dont want to let her down and I don't want her upset because of something I've done. It seems like my blades are calling me all the time. Whether its the one in my cellphone or the one sewn into my pillowcase or the one inside my keyboard I just feel that need. That release.  I have absolutely no emotional outlet here and I am about to just go batshit crazy. I have been interrupted 8 times since I started writing this.  I have no privacy, no escape. I have zero ME time anymore. I love my sisters dearly but when you don't even get 5 minutes to yourself it gets frustrating. I need a break at some point. I just want some time away from them and the rest of my family. 
 On a random note she just snapchatted me and it really made my day my day :). This is how awesome she is.