I am honestly afraid. I want to comfort someone I care about a lot but I need to keep myself distanced because I don't want to be hurt. I know I should have called her tonight but I couldn't for fear of screwing up. I wanted nothing more than to help her but I can't fall for her. I fall quick and hard for the people I help. I am definitely fighting this with her but I fear I might be losing.  I wish I could help without getting so attached I really do.It has gotten to the point where I hardly text her for fear of getting too close.
On a completely unrelated note, I am stuck in this place where my being just is and I want something to justify my existence before I go. Right now I am nothing more than a parasite. This thought eats away at me all the time. It's not that I'm not trying. I have put in a ton of applications to get a job but no call backs. I have a date set and if nothing changes by then, 2 days later  I will cease my parasitic ways and end my existence because there is honestly no point to living like this. If I fail I will simply drive until I run out of gas and money then chill in my car until I finally die of hunger and dehydration. My wallet and cell phone will be left at home and I will destroy or bury license plate so I cant identified. This way I can be forgotten. It is the one thing that I want in death and that is to be completely forgotten.  If I am forgotten then no one can care about me and no one can feel bad. I think this will be the best way to go.