Easter

Well my Easter was uneventful. I stayed at home by myself because I didn't want to go to my uncle's for dinner with the rest of the family. I know they would have asked the usual questions like " how have you been doing?" "do you have a girlfriend?" "have you found a job yet?" then I would have stood around looking stupid and in a bad mood because they would have reminded me how much of a failure i am compared to the rest of the family. It's not like I am not looking for a job or that I don't want a girlfriend it's just that I hate being reminded of my failures at every family function. Another thing was all my long-sleeve shirts were dirty which would mean I would have to wear my hoody in the 90 degree weather which sucks. 
On a random note my grandma offered money for me to leave Arizona to find another job. I seriously thought about it but I cant leave Jess because I am the only person she has that she trusts and especially when I found more blades in her room I am afraid of what she might do if I leave. The bond we now have is what is keeping me going because the thought of her seeing me with a hole in the back of my head would probably scar her for life.
I am still thinking about killing myself. I just would have to do something so whoever found me wouldn't be able to figure out who I am and inform my family. There are ways of course and I know them but I am currently waiting to take Jess to a concert I have been promising to take her to. I guess I will try to stay here until May 24th but I am seriously thinking about spending my tax return on a nice new 12 gauge. My .22 and 9mm probably wouldn't do the job as efficiently, even with subsonic rounds and high velocity rounds would just put a hole through my skull and miss the area I need to hit for a quick kill. Pills suck and have a low chance of actually succeeding like 12.3% or something. cutting has somewhere around 6% chance of working which is way too low for my taste. Shotgun has a 99% chance of working and handguns have a 97% chance. There is a train-yard near me but that would probably mess with the workers there more than anything. 95%. I could jump but here the only real places high enough are on the highway. traffic would be backed up. 93.4% chance.  I could make cyanide which has a 97% chance but I hear it really sucks and supposedly feels like all your insides are burning. oh well I have a month before I need to decide.