4 days... I have beattemptn clean for 4 days. My arm is almost fully healed. Some of the scars are indents which is interesting because up on my shoulder they arent. It might have something to do with the direction but I don't know for sure. The ones on my shoulder are horizontal but the ones on my forearm are vertical. On an upside I dont feel like cutting during the day anymore but when I am alone at night I feel an extremely strong urge to cut again. I probably will start cutting again when I get home.  Right now I just feel lonely and worthless. Every time we get something to eat my grandmother has to pay. It makes me feel like shit and just reminds me of how much of a waste of space I am.
Jessica's biological father asked me if I had a girlfriend today. I hate that question. It has been asked too many times on this trip. I have to be nice but in my mind I am thinking "I didnt a month ago so why would I have one now?" This is really getting to me now. Yeah I want a girlfriend but honestly most girls I am into have boyfriends or aren't into me. Right now I know I fucked up things with Rachel what we had was good... even if it was long distance and it was one-sided in that she never made an effort to see me. I had to drive the 900+ miles to see her. Her best friend Amanda was into me but I'm not Christian enough for her at least after she found her religion again. I dunno... maybe I am just feeling this way because after Rachel gets married all of my ex's will be married.  I kinda want to kill myself but I am doubting that as a possibility Simply because my attempt last Friday failed and that seemed like a sure thing. I will probably try again when we get back but I have my doubts that that will work.
On the bright side I am going to a Meatloaf concert on Saturday which is pretty cool.