3AM

It's 3am. I've just been woken by another bad dream. I can never remember all of it, but I always wake-up crying/ screaming/ sweating feeling hopeless/ hurt/ hyper vigilant/ scares.

It always involves my parents/ family in one way or another. 

Tonight they were trying to take away my husband from me or something. It was Christmas and they were judging me & drinking and they wanted to separate us.

I feel like a feightened child.

Isn't it terrible how one little dream can reduce me from being a happy content or atleast coping adult into a feightened child? A complete mess?

Or maybe I should have more self compassion. Never got much compassion as a kid. Don't really have people in my life (aside from this group) that I feel I can talk to about this.

I miss my therapist, but I don't have the cashflow right now to go see her. Also she is moving away soon.

How aam I supposed to self-sooth anyway?

This all after I had a genuinely good day. I got a new big client.I'm excited about starting the job. After meeting with their finance department I came back home & allowed myself some time with hubby. I coloured in. We talked. I love him. We watched a movie.

Sure, I was thinking at one point that these people must just not try to control me. Just because they're a big client they musn't think they own me. I'm an independent contractor at the end of the day, because I have had issues before in all previous jobs when people tried to force me to do insane things like travel to Mid Africa for projects/ teaching during violent student protests etc.

There is this one guy at the new client that looks like he can be the type who demands control/ subordination - more than what I am willing to give. I don't know what would be the healthy way to deal with that situation if it should arise. I'll probably flip. I don't know. How do adults deal with this crap?

And why must I sit and struggle with this crap at 3AM in the morning? Why does my 'trigger' have to be human beings? It is not fair.

Humans are unpredictable, but also the only source of warmth and love and acceptance.That is ALL I ever wanted. Is that too much to ask for? 

I want parents that are able to love me & not use me. I want parents I can talk to that are going to tell me it is going to be okay - not that I'll probably fail anyway. I want parents I can call after having a bad dream at 3 AM, who I can cry to who won't walk away/ tell me that I'm being weird & then leave OR worse - that its all me and my hubbies fault & that they are coming to take me away from him.

I don't have parents like that. I never will. And because they control and manipulate anyone that gets close to me I'll never have anything even remotely close to that.

Oh God if you can hear my pain please send help & lots of it because I need it. I am suffering and I need you. I need love.