I get very strong urges sometimes to hurt myself and I can't explain it. I almost just stabbed myself with a knife because I got angry over something and I don't even know what it was……just a passing violent thought? or something else. Just another sunshiny day in my life. Sorry for being so miserable and negative. My only hope right now is that talking about it will help me figure out why I get so uncontrollably violent sometimes. I just got home from the hospital about a week and a half ago and I don't feel the optimism that I felt the first two times I went inpatient. What does that mean……am I just in such a bad place that it will take more to get me out of it? If anybody knows please share. I feel I am going further down into the dark pit. Sounds weird but I think I am getting used to it. Maybe its my destiny to forever suffer and struggle.
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Dear Pagan, I am sorry to hear that you\'re down about stuff and that you have these urges. I can only wonder what that must be like. Perhaps it\'s not having someone to talk to who lives with you. Very often the relating to someone else offers us a release from the tension naturally inside of us? I hope you can meditate and find peace. There\'s a spiritual teacher named Eckhart Tolle who has really been wonderful for me to listen to. He\'s online or I can share some fav links if you like.
About the destiny to struggle. I think we all are destined to struggle.. you are not alone!! :) Part of what I am learning is to be ok with the combat and struggle in daily life.. I hope you can find that key that unlocks your tension for you. Peace Pagan!
I read a psychcentral article recently that Nester pointed me to, it was attempting to explain suicidal impulses to people who don\'t have them, and it compared them to the urge to sneeze - how it feels that strong, and the urges are that compelling. Just something I thought you might be able to relate to.
I think it\'s common to wonder if this suffering is just your destiny, like somehow maybe we can accept that, and then accept our suffering. But deep down I think we know that this isn\'t our destiny. Why else would our bodies just continue to fight and fight and fight? Even when we\'re sure we want to die, we fight. So I don\'t think this suffering is your destiny, I think it\'s a pit stop along the way, or a stretch of the highway. We don\'t know when it will end, but it will, and you will go through much more calm and beautiful places on your journey.
I\'ll keep thinking of you, and hoping that something starts to help ((hugs))
I certainly can understand being angry if you\'re in such pain and it feels like personal destiny. I agree with others that that isn\'t true, however being in pain can make me angry, too, and feel cut off from others and life. Was outpatient helpful? Maybe right now you need more constant personal support such as hospital and outpatient can provide, and being released from hospital was like pulling away your support system. I agree with malibumark that living alone can amplify negative feelings. However the wrong roommate can certainly create them.... I hope some of this makes sense-- ((( hugs))) xx