Today was my third day back to work and I don't know how Im going to handle a full week next week. I purposely went back on a Fri. so it would be a short 3 day week to help ease back into work but these past three days haven't been easy. Sure, I feel better which basically just means Im not suicidal. I know thats a good thing but I wish I felt better. I still have that dark cloud hanging over me forever feeling melancholic. Still waiting on anything from the new med but Im not hopeful. Overall I feel I can talk to my co-workers about whats going on within reason but today I just couldn't handle it. I had two of my co-workers telling me I just needed to break out of this rut Ive been in, think more positive, stop spending so much time alone, etc. Well then, I will get right on that, no fucking problem there. I tried to explain to them that its just not as easy as saying you want to feel better or telling yourself to be positive. Its not so fucking easy when my brain is fighting against me and at times trying to kill me. I got so sick of that fucking talk I had to walk away. I know they mean well but they really have no idea what Im going through. Sometimes I hate myself for being open with them. Its so fucking easy to tell someone how to make a better, happier life for themselves when you don't fully understand the depth of that persons agony. In other news, I have an appointment Feb. 12th for an ECT consultation and I think they do a screening also. I can't wait, I have a lot of questions to ask and I have to weigh the pros and cons and decide if its something I will do. All up in the air for now but Im glad I finally have that appointment. Anything that can help with the way I feel is worth looking at in my opinion.
Replies
hi Pagan, I am sorry you are struggling. I would be cautious about sharing stuff with your coworkers just because it\'s outside the context of a situation that is for discussing issues like this. It would save and protect you from getting feedback that was uninformed about these kinds of things. So it would save you from the dissapointment of getting the kind of advice that you got too. I hope you can take things just one day at a time - take it even one moment at a time. I know it\'s hard - and I can hear the anguish you feel in the way you write about it. I hope you can find your strength to deal with and diffuse the counteraction of the way things are going for you. I know it\'s not easy - I struggle too. Sometimes we need to just vent. That\'s why I come on here - but other times I feel the challenge and victory of handling my struggles. Peace to you my friend. Hang tough, Mark
Hey P. I hope you feel like you get some good re-charge time over the next 2 days. Maybe do something nice for yourself? I hope that work next week is just a little bit better. I wish you all the best with the ECT consult! I hope you get really good, thorough information so you can make an informed decision about your treatment.
((big hugs))
Hey Pagan.....I\'m sorry you are still struggling with the black and heavy thoughts.... and that your co-workers are typical of many people who have no idea what it\'s truly like ... if only we could think ourselves better *sigh*.....I hope work goes better than expected next week... just take it hour by hour if necessary....and I feel your enthusiasm for the ECT consult.... I hope the screening / meeting goes well and all your questions are answered and you come to an informed decision based on what information you are given coupled with how you are feeling
wishing you the best
(((hugs)))
It can so frustrating, sometimes even infuriating when people make those comments. They do mean well, but at the same time they don\'t know what they\'re talking about. I\'m glad that you were able to walk away from it. I hope that having some time off with helped you recharge and relax a bit. good luck at your appt on the 12th, I hope that you get all your questions answered and that it helps you make your decision. ((Hugs))
I have learned to lean on my BP/MI peers more than coworkers or other people who have been in my life...they just don\'t get it, they can\'t get it. If they do, it\'s a rarity.
I hope the ECT consultation goes well. I\'ve never had it, but some people say it\'s been the best thing for them. (((hugs)))
Oh Pagan so sorry to hear about the co-workers and telling you their rather lame advice. You do well to note they know nothing about which they speak! I must say I admire the way you have handled things...going to the hospital..now seeking out advice about ECT...clearly you want the best for yourself and that is something to pay attention to. You are treating yourself like a best friend....and my friend that ain\'t nothing! It\'s hard to keep going and here you are putting one foot after the other. Got to admire you buddy ((((hugs))))