Im so disgusted with myself. I haven't showered in a week, Im eating like shit again and I just don't seem to care about my physical or mental health. Im gaining weight again. If I hit 200lbs or more again Im done. I feel like such a fucking slob. I simply don't take care of myself these days. Its embarrassing. I don't care anymore. Im a fucking piece of shit. Maybe I should just shoot myself. Wait, can't do that, don't own a gun. Probably a good thing. I have friends who own guns and I actually like shooting them but they don't understand why I don't own a gun. People like me shouldn't own guns because I would either go on a shooting spree or just put a bullet in my own head. OK, so I went on a tangent there. Im in a fucking mood….not good. Well, no gun so its back to the trusty ol blade. Wait a minute…am I talking about suicide again? Fuck me….Im not well. Therapy tomorrow……Im looking forward to it but Im nervous because if I tell her all that Im feeling and thinking she will have to make a call and have me admitted. I hate to lie to her and I hate to hold back but right now I can't be in a hospital. Maybe I should be….I dont fucking know. Im feeling aggressive, violent tendencies. I want to hit something or hurt myself…..whichever comes first. It all makes me very sad…..Im such a wreck.
Replies
oh Pagan.... first thing is you are not a piece of shit... and all you describe are classic symptoms of depression my friend... and I too have the aggression and violent tendencies and am close to being locked up for them.... it\'s painful... too painful.... but I think you have to be honest tomorrow.... bcs if you did have a gun it would be over right? and we don\'t want that to happen.... and we don\'t want you doing anything worse with that blade.. I just wish I could help... please keep yourself safe.... whatever that takes... and I feel quite the hypocrite here but maybe hospital is the best place? time to get meds sorted properly? oh I don\'t know... I just want you to be safe and well and whatever that takes.. do whatever it takes ok?
xx
hi Pagan, I am sorry you are going through this. I have learned that sometimes we have to come to a brink of things to make a realization or a change.
Gently pick up the pieces for yourself and start giving yourself the regard and care you deserve. I hope this doesn\'t sound preachy. I have issues I have to deal with today but I wanted to offer you something of support. Peace and take care!, Mark
Pagan, we can\'t expect much of ourselves when we feel like this. You get up daily, that\'s huge!! You come here and at least do a little talking - another good thing. You tell me not to put myself down and then you call yourself \'a fucking piece of shit\'... you are NOT a pos. You are so encouraging and supportive, even as you go through this.
My fiance wants to buy a gun and I\'m having the same issues... we\'re gonna have to talk about it for real soon (not looking forward to that). Thank you for keeping yourself safe.
I feel bad about lying to my providers too when I don\'t want to be admitted. Really think about if it might help though. Idk what the facilities around you are like - they\'re very good here, but I know it may be different where you are.
PM me if you need a distraction. Also, do what Rubes said: whatever it takes to be safe. ((hugs))
Pagan, you\'re not a POS, nor a wreck. You, like a lot of us here, are going through a rough time. What I was gonna say, was pretty much already said, but I agree with Ruby and Sadie. It is really hard to be honest with healthcare providers, but if it means keeping you safe, then so be it. If for the moment, that means giving your blades to a friend/someone you trust, then do it. I\'m so sorry you\'re going through such a rough time. (Hugs)
Big hug of comfort for you sweetie... Don\'t lie to her... Tell her the truth... If you\'re having suicidal thoughts but can honestly say that you don\'t plan to carry it out they won\'t admit you against your will... If you do have a plan I hope you\'ll be honest sweetie... Being in the hospital can turn things around for you quicker... You have a lot of support
This is a time to treat yourself gently... It\'s illness talking.. It has nothing to do with being lazy or a slob.... When if a depression we feel as though we\'ve been there forever and we\'ll never escape it... That isn\'t the truth though Pagan...It\'s what depression tells us... You will find stability... It takes a little time... Big hug for you sweetie... Hang on .. Here\'s some of my light for now...x