Lost

I have been with my current boyfriend 10 years, and three years ago I was being unfaithful. I wound up pregnant. The man I was unfaithful with was happy and wanted the child to be his. I ended up telling my current boyfriend because we already had one child together and I knew if he could forgive me he would be a better provider. I chose to stay, we had the child and no dna test ever administered, just signed the birth certificate and he claimed my daughter as his regardless. Well the other man I was seeing was shot and killed this weekend. It has tore a whole through my heart. Now I did lose contact with him out of respect for my man, but my mind went racing my heart felt stabbed when I heard the news. This isnt even the tip of the iceburg. So I have been choosen for Grand Jury in my county. We have been dealing only in homicides and we file charges not finding guilty or not. But seeing if you should be charged first degree second degree murder or manslaughter. We had some cases yesterday, and we were told we had to come back in september for another homicide, My EX BOYFRIENDS homice. I am so anxious. I dont know if I am strong enough to do that. But part of me is so curious what happened. This man was 25, such a short cut life. And to be part of the justice system to put his killer behind bars would be a noble thing to do. But I am heart broken. Worse off I have to hide all these emotions because my boyfriend thinks he got just what he deserved. He said Karma is a bitch. Cheating is one thing but no one deserves to have there life cut short at the hands of another man. Not to many people know of my past involvement with this ex of mine, so its really hard holding all this in. Truth of the matter is this man could be my daughter biological father and I am lost on what to do. i want to go to court and i have to go, but dont think im strong enough to.