3-31

so It's been a day. not bad or good just ok.  which i'll take i have been more nervous becuase today she is coming to grab her stuff and i have to accept that she is gone.  she hasn't talked to me and just cut me out of her life.  like everything we had didn't matter but i love that woman.  and it's a shame she wasnt strong to support her dieing husband and it's to late now she had a life with me and it would have been great once i was ok.  i know she didn't love me becuase you dont do this to someone you love.  i would have walk to the end of the earth for her and she couldn't even walk to the corner.  it sucks knowing she wasnt able to be there. well last night i woke up again and had more dreams about her.  i was hoping i was starting a new begining and i dont think i am.  i think about her all day and i just want to be normal again. I have been doing alot of thinking about moving to another state just getting out here. selling the house and trying to transfer to another store with my new job but i wanted to wait a year before i did those things but either way i would like to move to fort wayne or that area i live near detroit now and i need a new begining i lived in MI most of my life and i'm 0-2 i've been married twice and i'm not saying there arent women out her i just want to get away from the area i have lived here with 2 seprate wives and i can't go anywhere with out thinking of one.  and i need to start over and i'm not looking to date but i just want to get out of here.  i'm having a rough time just waking up and looking out my door waiting for her to come home and i know she isn't but doesn't mean i wait for it.  she is coming over today to grab more of her stuff and i'm having such a hard time with that.  i have a really good support system now which i didn't have before it's werid becuase it's all her friends.  i've never been in a break up where i lost friends and gained friends it's super werid for me.  but i've been really close to "her" old friends which all stood in our wedding and it's so hard to see that my wifes life is going in a bad direction so fast that all her friends have left and are on my side.  it's incredible i got invited to there weddings and my wife didn't.  It's on honor to be invited to there group of friends.  it's been rough and it's not going to be as easy to turn off like she is.  i love the woman i married not the woman that left thru the door and never came back.  2 different people.  well i'm sure i will write more later after she grabs more of her stuff.  i will have plenty of booze in my system by then so looking for to drunk venting later.