3-28 pt2

I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.  I was told when i have ptsd episodes to repeat that and for a while it worked I'm having another bad episode that last time it was this bad my wife left so know that i'm alone its becoming hard to deal with and i'm struggling real hard right now.  So i figured the best place to be is on the computer writing in my journal.  try to keep my mind off the bad things.  i herd firworks this morning and it triggered my ptsd and this time i'm alone no one to help me.  i've screamed at the walls and yelled for my marines but i'm in the present not the past.  i'm trying to remain calm and not let it take over and it's becoming very hard to handle alone.  i have been going to meetings and it's still all very new and it's not always helpful.  i'll sit there and i'll listen to others talk and it brings me to my places and when i talk i forget i'm in a meeting and i'll talk about experiances and feelings and noises and smells and the taste of my blood and all the damn pain i went thru.  loosing people loosing brothers it hurts everyday.  i think about them and how hard it was for me and to be alive when so many didn't come back with us.  i live those moments everyday in one way or another.  i see them in my dreams i see them when i'm at the store.  i just here things i smell stuff and it puts me in  place i dont want to be in .  my best friend she left and i'm dealing with these problems in all new ways that i havent had to do before.  i'm struggling with that