3-28

so for the first time i didn't wake up at 230. woke up at 130 still woke up but different time, baby steps.  Can't remember if I dreamed about her so again baby steps.  I do miss her so much.  we had 2 phone conversations first one went horriblly bad we creid and both just wanted off the phone.  another about an hour latter where we both just sounded like we cared if felt like old times mine the part we say i love you or see you after work.  Still very strange waters I am in.  I want to be around her i miss her and love her but i know it's over and it stings so much.  She is coming friday to get her stuff and that will be a very hard day for me.  i haven't seen her in over a week so i have had time to i guess move on.  but watching her exit my life hasn't been easy nor did i want this.  I do love her with all of my heart and she will never know how i truly felt before during and at the end of our marriage.  i want her to see these posts but she never will.  I want her to see the pain I went thru over her.  I needed her to be the woman i married and not the woman she became.  I Meant well, tried a little, and failed alot.  If only i would have tried harder.  Ptsd isn't a joke I lost my best friend becuase it was alot for her to handle and i refused to get help becuase I thought she would save me when I had episodes and she did not she found the loop hole and ran.