3-27

So i had a rough weekend i cried and i forgot things.  but i'm making it better when i forget things, i have writen notes to have me call certian people when that happens. so i did and they tell me everything i forgot which was my wife left me and she is in the process of moving her stuff out.  its very hard to take that in.  i tried all weekend to get answers from her and she has become cold as ice.  so today i finally had to let her go i deleted all the texts, pictures and everything else that reminded me of her.  it's going to be super rough and the hardest thing i have had to do.  i still live in our house and it reminds me of her and i drive our our town and think about the up coming events we had coming up it is hard to forget about her and just let it go.  becuase i don't know why it's happening I thought we had somthing but it's not there anymore and i miss that.  two weeks ago it was ok in my eyes and just like that it's over and it's hard for me to be ok with knowing my wife is with someone else and that we are not going to be together.  it's hard to accept.  i'm hurting on a regular basis.  I woke up at 233am the day she left and i knew she wasn't coming back i wake up every day at the same time every day since she left and it's aweful.  i have nightmares about her every night i want to be free from this but it's becoming hard to sleep and that makes it harder to heal.  I have drank to forget and hoping to just pass out still up at 230 i took sleeping pills to sleep thru it nope still 230.  i can't shake it i've tried to just let go.  Today i sent her a text and i had to tell her that i have to let her go.  she wanted to be friends and i wanted to just be in her life but i can't heal and be her friend after she left me the way she did.  I am going to struggle every moment of every day and i need to clear my head and heal once she is moved out i can paint the house and make it mine.  it has been ours but now it's mine.  I have to be ok with that. i never have been alone in this house till now.  i have to change how i do things, how i grow, how i eat, sleep, shop, think, and just change my daily functions.  i have spent years doing them as us now it's me and it's very hard to change that but i need to be better i need to heal.  I want to heal and i'm going to sturggle and i'm going to have bad days and good days.  I miss my step duaghter i miss hearing her running around the house.  i miss helping her learn life.  I lost more then a wife i lost my family so i'm going to have a rough road and a hard time a head.  I miss them both it will not be easy.  i go thru room by room and i change something every day to make it mine so i can grow.  man is it the hardest thing i have to do.  i have been to combat and i have served my country but this is hard too.  i want to heal but i can't do that over night and i will make it thru it's just a hard road.  wish me luck.