3 1/2 Days

As Cassi's birthday gets closer I can feel the anxiety and depression building. I am still going to smile that day, and remember to be grateful...but I am so shaky right now.

How is it that Mommy-time flies by so fast??? Cassi would have been 25 this year. That's just crazy to me. I look at pictures of her as an infant and it seems like it could be yesterday.

I met a Mom who lost her 11 year old to suicide 4 months ago. This week she had to go back to the same school her daughter had attended to register her younger child. Everyone knows that the 11 year old passed away, but not everyone knows how or why and she isn't ready to talk about it. She asked me, "What am I supposed to do with this?" I had no answer. I mused that I was grateful I had 22 1/2 years with Cassi, but then another Mom said no amount of time is ever enough. It's true.

I ordered a beautiful new flower arrangement for Cassi today, for her birthday. She would have told me to never send her flowers, just give her the money instead, lol. Her last birthday I sent her an arrangement from Edible Creations??? I think that's the name of the company. I sent her the largest basket they offerred. They take fruit and carve it into flower shapes. It had strawberries almost as big as your fist. I wanted something delivered to her at work, yet she always thought flowers were a waste of money. So she was able to eat and share this treat with her co-workers and her roommates. They still send me e-mails trying to get me to buy more. It hurts to see them. That was the only time I had ever bought from them...my babies last birthday on this earth, so it reminds me...I should have bought her a small condo in a good neighborhood...her apartment was so depressing and her neighborhood dangerous. I wonder if she had had a more positive home if it would have made a difference. I hated my job, but I would have worked till I died to support her, to pay for graduate school, to pay all her living expenses so she could concentrate on her studies, I didn't want her to have to work. I used to tease her about it, I'm gonna have to work the rest of my life...I'm afraid she took me seriously and didn't want to be a burden.

Oh God, I want my baby back. I want her walking in the backdoor with her laundry basket full of dirty clothes...I truly believe God can do anything, anything!!! But not this.

I haven't been this low in awhile. I hope I can get it out of my system before Saturday.

My psychiatrist is very sick. I am worried to death about him. He also traets my husband and my sister. My sister drives 4 hours from Mobile, Alabama to see him. He's a very special doctor. I have become very close to his wife and we try to have a weekly lunch or early dinner, and last week we went together to our local Compassionate Friends meeting. We both found benefit in it and are planning to go back. They lost their son about a year and a half after I lost Cassi. A couple of weeks ago she told me that I helped her. It was a shock because she is a very matter-of-fact kind of person while I am a more emotional heart on my sleeve kind of person, so it meant even more to me that she told me that. Also, I felt a tiny flicker of light in my belly, it felt good. It made me feel like I was doing good, and that made me feel good about myself.

Please pray for me that I can get as much of this sadness out by Saturday. I truly want this Saturday to be the first day of the rest of my life. I want to make new memories, happy memories...I want this not just for me, but for Cassi, who is certainly watching me and desperately wanting me to find some happiness again.

All My Love,

Gina