Update
My dear DS friends, you continue to be my rock. Thank you so much.
How many tears have I cried over the past few days? Beginning to crash now but so happy it held off so I got the chance to see my son today.
Went to court on Friday and was totally broadsided because instead of sending my son home, they produced a temporary guardian and the judge ordered that he live with her until May! Poor CFS brain processed it about 2 days later.
But they say that every cloud has a silver lining and I am seeing the silver start to glimmer.
- my son is staying with the parents of a schoolmate. She seemed like a very standoffish person but I met with her this morning and she turned out to be so nice. She has 2 boys and she says my son has fit in so well. She sings his praises highly.
- his principal and vice principal have rallied around him. They are providing his lunch and helping out as much as possible. For three years I have been asking for their support. I am so happy that when the crisis hit they stepped up, they are the ones who found his temporary home to ensure that he would not go into a government facility.
- he is enjoying himself. She has taken him out twice! In our home we get out maybe that often in a year. Living with CFS is not easy and it has hurt my heart to see him live it with me. It feels good to hear that he's just being a kid and enjoying it.
- she has stricter rules than I do. Haaaa! And he is adjusting quite well. What can I say?
- the show of support has been amazing. You my dear DS friends have always been there for me. Now family and friends are stepping forward and offering support. I keep wishing it had come earlier but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. As much or as little is offered I am learning to accept with grace.
- so we email every day, we'll get to talk every day. He keeps telling me to just be strong, he'll be home soon.
So I have 2 months to get my life back on track. I have no idea how but I have no choice but to trust that there is a way and I will find it. I refuse to consider the possibility that custody will not be returned to me in May.
I've had two interesting aha! moments in this experience:
- I was in the middle of an ongoing debate with my sister about how much my son takes care of me and I heard myself saying "you people who were lucky enough to having loving, nurturing mothers can get on your high horse but -" .. and then I heard myself.
My childhood was dysfunctional and abusive. I was neglected, I was not cared for and I grew up too fast. And it breaks my heart to see my son going through the same thing, not because I don't care but because that is what I know. I always thought I was doing well because I am doing better than what I knew. But my frame of reference cannot be my norm, I have to use someone else's norm .. like maybe someone who had a loving, nurturing mother...
- I woke up the second night with an elephant on my chest. I kept thinking "OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!" My limbs were encased in lead and I struggled to breathe. The reality of life without my child had finally hit.
Afterward I wondered what it would be like for him if I were to take my life? That crippling feeling of helplessness, of knowing you can't turn back time and you can't undo what is already done.
Suicide is not an option.
So we learn to move forward...
How many tears have I cried over the past few days? Beginning to crash now but so happy it held off so I got the chance to see my son today.
Went to court on Friday and was totally broadsided because instead of sending my son home, they produced a temporary guardian and the judge ordered that he live with her until May! Poor CFS brain processed it about 2 days later.
But they say that every cloud has a silver lining and I am seeing the silver start to glimmer.
- my son is staying with the parents of a schoolmate. She seemed like a very standoffish person but I met with her this morning and she turned out to be so nice. She has 2 boys and she says my son has fit in so well. She sings his praises highly.
- his principal and vice principal have rallied around him. They are providing his lunch and helping out as much as possible. For three years I have been asking for their support. I am so happy that when the crisis hit they stepped up, they are the ones who found his temporary home to ensure that he would not go into a government facility.
- he is enjoying himself. She has taken him out twice! In our home we get out maybe that often in a year. Living with CFS is not easy and it has hurt my heart to see him live it with me. It feels good to hear that he's just being a kid and enjoying it.
- she has stricter rules than I do. Haaaa! And he is adjusting quite well. What can I say?
- the show of support has been amazing. You my dear DS friends have always been there for me. Now family and friends are stepping forward and offering support. I keep wishing it had come earlier but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. As much or as little is offered I am learning to accept with grace.
- so we email every day, we'll get to talk every day. He keeps telling me to just be strong, he'll be home soon.
So I have 2 months to get my life back on track. I have no idea how but I have no choice but to trust that there is a way and I will find it. I refuse to consider the possibility that custody will not be returned to me in May.
I've had two interesting aha! moments in this experience:
- I was in the middle of an ongoing debate with my sister about how much my son takes care of me and I heard myself saying "you people who were lucky enough to having loving, nurturing mothers can get on your high horse but -" .. and then I heard myself.
My childhood was dysfunctional and abusive. I was neglected, I was not cared for and I grew up too fast. And it breaks my heart to see my son going through the same thing, not because I don't care but because that is what I know. I always thought I was doing well because I am doing better than what I knew. But my frame of reference cannot be my norm, I have to use someone else's norm .. like maybe someone who had a loving, nurturing mother...
- I woke up the second night with an elephant on my chest. I kept thinking "OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!" My limbs were encased in lead and I struggled to breathe. The reality of life without my child had finally hit.
Afterward I wondered what it would be like for him if I were to take my life? That crippling feeling of helplessness, of knowing you can't turn back time and you can't undo what is already done.
Suicide is not an option.
So we learn to move forward...
Replies
Sweetheart!!! Listen. I am praying for you. This is a ridiculously hard situation you are in. This is your child. I can\'t even go there in my head....what you are enduring right now.
I\'m asking that you let go and let God. I am praying for you. I am trusting that you will have a close, restored, renewed relationship with your son that will be better than you could imagine.
I\'m so sorry your childhood was such a disaster. I think that your son is literally in a \"good place\" right now, and that things are going to work out. It\'s one of those gut feelings women, mother\'s get.
Trust the Lord. He is with you in this. And I am here for you! xo
Much love to you.......trust, trust, trust! xo
My dear MaxPB- I don\'t know where it comes from, but I, too, have that gut feeling that things are going to work out for you. It\'s too bad help and support did not come to you sooner, but I admire your ability to accept it gracefully now.
Years ago my folks took in the son of an army buddy of my Dad\'s. Dad\'s buddy had suffered a fatal, accidental gunshot wound in front of the boy. His wife remarried and there was much friction between mother and son, so she asked if he could spend a summer on our farm which was several states away. Michael Patrick spent three summers with us helping with fieldwork and chores and growing up. Several years later, we got together with his family...and it truly was a family. MP had forgiven his mom, had come to love and respect his stepdad, and was raising a family of his own. I hope much the same for you and your son. Hang in there, dear one.
Well my dear friend, this is good news . You know where your son is and that he is happy and being well looked after.You are able to talk with him and how wonderful that you met his carer and she is a nice lady.You need a break right now, so see it all as a blessing. Besides he is 14 yrs old, so it\'s fine honey.The change will be really good for him, especially the company of the other boys. You haven\'t lost him and no one can ever take his mother\'s place . It\'s all good Max.See it as a positive sign.A little bit of help coming your way.We had a Japanese home student who was supposed to stay for six weeks and ended us living with us for 2 years from ths age of 14 to 16.This was a very long time ago.About 22years ago actually.He was living with another homestay family but very unhappy there.He attended the same school as my son and they became best friends.His name was Yugi and he kept begging us to let him come and live with us and I repeatedly explained that I didn\'t have a room for him.He would say in broken English that he could sleep on our veranda.So in the end we built an extra room on the house just for Yugi.His parents would come over from Japan to visit him.They had some problems in their relationship as he was a bit rebellious.However it all worked out beautifully in the end.He returned to Japan and their relationship was very good.
If your son is happy there and wants to stay a bit longer and provided you are still associating and getting on, then just go with the flow.At least he is close by and not away at boarding school.Living with some other boys will be fun for him as he is an only child like my granddaughter.He deserves a break and so do you . It\'s a good thing for both of you.Definitely good for your relationship.
So you breathe easy girlfriend and smile.
So sorry to hear that you had a tough childhood.Mine wasn\'t the best either.We carry those scars throughout our lives. Fortunately we have many new happy memories during our lives that we can focus on and be grateful for.
So Max.We just keep on at it all and do our own individual best, whatever that may be. Big hugs and heaps of love to you.I just might make it to Jamaica one day , you never know.xoxo