Random thoughts...
I realized last night that there has only been one thing in the past 8 years of my life that has actually remained completely stable...well, one person.. my best friend Alicia.. So much has changed in my life and since her and I met, she has been the only person to not walk out, to not betray me, to not.. completely change into someone I don't even know anymore... she's the only thing that has remained stable, and stability is kind of what I need these days.
Right after I finished grade 7 my dad walked out of my life, my parents divorced when I was 2-3 years old, but he lived extremely close my entire life, but once I finished elementary school that was it. He moved away and we barely spoke for most of my high school life. I hated him. High school wasn't easy for me, I suffered a lot, and my mom and I weren't in the least bit close, so I didn't really have anyone.. until I met my two best friends; Alicia & Danielle.
Summer after grade 8, I was sexually assaulted in my own house by a stranger.. I went through severe post traumatic stress disorder for approximately 7 years. I fought depression, anxiety, paranoia, eating disorders, alcoholism, and I for the first few years after it happened I tried to kill myself so many times I lost track.. But.. it also didn't help that when I was in grade 9 I was molested, by a different stranger.. this time it was my fault because I met up with someone I had never met.. when I look back, I think I was quite honestly just extremely self destructive.. and I think I was looking for trouble or attention.. I don't really know.. but I never expected what happened, to happen to me.. not the same type of thing, not again. Alicia stuck by through it all. Through all the tears, all the pain, all the self harm and suicidal thoughts and attempts.. She's been my rock.
When I was in grade 11 I suffered severe, chronic migraines for 6 months. All the time, they varied in severity, but 90% of the time I couldn't be in a room with light.. I quite literally lived in the dark. I stopped going to school.. I was constantly in and out of doctors offices and hospitals.. my arms had so many needle holes from getting blood work done that the nurses began having trouble finding places to take more blood from. I was told I could be dying, I was told I might have a brain tumor.. I was 15/16... I was taking such intense courses at school because I was excited about my future.. physics, chemistry, biology, spanish, math, socials, english.. all at once.. and to be told I could be dying.. I gave up on school, I gave up the idea of having a future.. and slowly, very slowly, the migraines started to ease up... Turns out I was having stress migraines.. It's quite pathetic we never figured it out.. they always got worse when my mom talked to me, she always stressed me out, and going to the doctors... I would be in tears I was in so much pain, it would take me a couple days to recover from the intensity and severity... yet alicia was still there for me..
Because of my migraines I wasn't able to graduate with all of my friends in my grad class... so I was pushed back an extra year.. And I had to fight to be allowed back at my school. I was threatened with expulsion, even though I had doctors notes saying that I had migraines and I couldn't be in school.. It was ridiculous... but I got through it and I eventually graduated, and Alicia was there cheering me on.
Throughout all of these years.. I dated people.. I fell in love with a guy named Daniel, he cheated on me and shattered my heart.. I had finally found something to be happy about and after being together for a couple years he left me for someone else and I went into such a severe depression. Alicia didn't like that I had dated him in the first place... I can admit I betrayed her... She introduced us and him and I kind of just.. fell for one another and we got together even though I knew she liked him.. but he had dated her sister and would never date her.. But Alicia was right there to catch me when I fell... and I dated him again.. and again he cheated and left me broken hearted, this time, it was only after a couple months but the feelings I had for him from the first relationship had never gone away..and it hurt just as bad, and as mad at me as she was for dating him again after what he did to me... she caught me once again.. Then I slept with him.. for the first time ever.. in some pathetic attempt to get him back, thinking that he cheated on me because I wouldn't have sex... Meanwhile the entire time during the sex I was having such severe and intense flashbacks it took everything in me not to cry in front of him.. I actually only recently told him about the flashbacks.. He felt horrible when I told him.. Back then had he known, he was too.. immature, insensitive... he wouldn't have been so supportive and caring as he is now.. then again, he wants me back so it could be all part of his attempt at manipulating my feelings enough that I'll go crawling back... off topic. Anyways, after he and I slept together, alicia was pissed, but, she was there for me and helped me through the flashbacks, and the trauma of it all...
I kind of screwed her again... I honestly was a terrible person... I dated a guy at school that I knew she liked, him and I were hanging out one day and he kissed me and that was it really... Him and I just kind of got together... The 3 of us had been best friends, and we remained all best friends...until Tim kicked me... He will always say it was an accident, she tries to defend him as well... but the way it happened, and his dis-interest in whether or not I was okay after.. It was obvious it was intentional. She was there, she was infront of us walking and he jokingly kicked her ass, and swung his leg back and kicked me so hard on the shin it left a swollen, black, 4 inch long bruise... It was so bad I was limping and Alicia had to help me walk.. yet he didn't care to ask if I was okay or even help me.. And I was leaving for a school trip to Europe before long, so I had to try to hide my leg constantly.. cover-up and nylons were the best I could do.. and I had every intention of sticking with him but when I got back from my trip and he was the only person I wanted to see... he straight-up ignored me... I saw him in the halls at school, waved and went to walk up and he turned the corner and walked away.. So next chance I saw him I grabbed him, took him outside and broke up with him. Oh, and I had seen Alicia before him, he told her while I was in Europe that if I broke up with him he'd kill himself... So he was mentally abusive too. He's still alive-for the record. But, Alicia was there for me once again... When I say that she has been the only thing in my life to remain stable, I really mean it...
My body hasn't even remained stable for me... It's failing me each and every day... I'm in excruciating pain just typing this up because of my hands... I'm going to go to bed tonight and wake up in excruciating pain barely able to move.. but I needed to write.. and sometimes the need to write is a little bit more important...
I was in an amazing relationship before Jess.. super stable, 2.5 years together, we were happy, we had planned on getting married, we knew the date, I had talked to his mom and aunt about going wedding dress shopping with me and his little sister was going to be a bridesmaid... We just hadn't made it 'official' with a ring because we wanted to wait till we lived together.. But, he felt that I wasn't sexually attracted to him at all, and when my best friend started showing interest in him he liked it... and before long he developed feelings for her, and she liked him.. and I could tell that when he was with her he was happier than when he was with me.. So I broke up with him so he could be happy... I love him so much that I put my own happiness aside so that he could be happy.. with another girl... For 2.5 years, I had stability with him.. it was a stable happiness, we never fought, or had issues of any kind... it was sad that it had to end. But, I still have my best friend Alicia.. through it all she's been there.
I am in so much pain... that the pain is outweighing the need to write.... I've rambled on a lot tonight... Nothing too crazy... and I'm updating my goals, cause, well.. they haven't been in a while, haha! Still sober-go me! It's been super hard, but I'm trying... and... I've decided, as long as the night goes well to start and the week or so leading up to the date I don't have any issues... I am going to have one night where I do drink and have some fun.. My (other) best friend Trace, and my girlfriend Jess are both turning 21 in March... and have decided to throw a joint birthday party at a bar.. I'd rather plan ahead and say yes I will drink if I feel I can handle it, then go to a bar and suffer a night of people trying to shove alcohol down my throat and not understanding why I wont drink, as well as just having a shit night being the one sober person... So, if I'm going to drink, I want it to be thought out a couple months in advance... It's not going to be easy to restart the sobriety count... but.. as long as life isn't getting me down, then all should be well.
I feel like the following comments are going to be people lecturing me about my choice to drink.... But honestly, It's not a choice that I'm making on a whim that I'm going to be regretting... I've thought about this for a while and I still have until the end of march.. I never promised anyone I would drink, but if I'm going to, you're damn straight I'm going to make sure it's what I want to do and I'm okay with it.
Quick note- I'm eating regularly again, and my therapy seems to be going well! A little frustrated I have to go to therapy on valentines day... but, what can you do?
Right after I finished grade 7 my dad walked out of my life, my parents divorced when I was 2-3 years old, but he lived extremely close my entire life, but once I finished elementary school that was it. He moved away and we barely spoke for most of my high school life. I hated him. High school wasn't easy for me, I suffered a lot, and my mom and I weren't in the least bit close, so I didn't really have anyone.. until I met my two best friends; Alicia & Danielle.
Summer after grade 8, I was sexually assaulted in my own house by a stranger.. I went through severe post traumatic stress disorder for approximately 7 years. I fought depression, anxiety, paranoia, eating disorders, alcoholism, and I for the first few years after it happened I tried to kill myself so many times I lost track.. But.. it also didn't help that when I was in grade 9 I was molested, by a different stranger.. this time it was my fault because I met up with someone I had never met.. when I look back, I think I was quite honestly just extremely self destructive.. and I think I was looking for trouble or attention.. I don't really know.. but I never expected what happened, to happen to me.. not the same type of thing, not again. Alicia stuck by through it all. Through all the tears, all the pain, all the self harm and suicidal thoughts and attempts.. She's been my rock.
When I was in grade 11 I suffered severe, chronic migraines for 6 months. All the time, they varied in severity, but 90% of the time I couldn't be in a room with light.. I quite literally lived in the dark. I stopped going to school.. I was constantly in and out of doctors offices and hospitals.. my arms had so many needle holes from getting blood work done that the nurses began having trouble finding places to take more blood from. I was told I could be dying, I was told I might have a brain tumor.. I was 15/16... I was taking such intense courses at school because I was excited about my future.. physics, chemistry, biology, spanish, math, socials, english.. all at once.. and to be told I could be dying.. I gave up on school, I gave up the idea of having a future.. and slowly, very slowly, the migraines started to ease up... Turns out I was having stress migraines.. It's quite pathetic we never figured it out.. they always got worse when my mom talked to me, she always stressed me out, and going to the doctors... I would be in tears I was in so much pain, it would take me a couple days to recover from the intensity and severity... yet alicia was still there for me..
Because of my migraines I wasn't able to graduate with all of my friends in my grad class... so I was pushed back an extra year.. And I had to fight to be allowed back at my school. I was threatened with expulsion, even though I had doctors notes saying that I had migraines and I couldn't be in school.. It was ridiculous... but I got through it and I eventually graduated, and Alicia was there cheering me on.
Throughout all of these years.. I dated people.. I fell in love with a guy named Daniel, he cheated on me and shattered my heart.. I had finally found something to be happy about and after being together for a couple years he left me for someone else and I went into such a severe depression. Alicia didn't like that I had dated him in the first place... I can admit I betrayed her... She introduced us and him and I kind of just.. fell for one another and we got together even though I knew she liked him.. but he had dated her sister and would never date her.. But Alicia was right there to catch me when I fell... and I dated him again.. and again he cheated and left me broken hearted, this time, it was only after a couple months but the feelings I had for him from the first relationship had never gone away..and it hurt just as bad, and as mad at me as she was for dating him again after what he did to me... she caught me once again.. Then I slept with him.. for the first time ever.. in some pathetic attempt to get him back, thinking that he cheated on me because I wouldn't have sex... Meanwhile the entire time during the sex I was having such severe and intense flashbacks it took everything in me not to cry in front of him.. I actually only recently told him about the flashbacks.. He felt horrible when I told him.. Back then had he known, he was too.. immature, insensitive... he wouldn't have been so supportive and caring as he is now.. then again, he wants me back so it could be all part of his attempt at manipulating my feelings enough that I'll go crawling back... off topic. Anyways, after he and I slept together, alicia was pissed, but, she was there for me and helped me through the flashbacks, and the trauma of it all...
I kind of screwed her again... I honestly was a terrible person... I dated a guy at school that I knew she liked, him and I were hanging out one day and he kissed me and that was it really... Him and I just kind of got together... The 3 of us had been best friends, and we remained all best friends...until Tim kicked me... He will always say it was an accident, she tries to defend him as well... but the way it happened, and his dis-interest in whether or not I was okay after.. It was obvious it was intentional. She was there, she was infront of us walking and he jokingly kicked her ass, and swung his leg back and kicked me so hard on the shin it left a swollen, black, 4 inch long bruise... It was so bad I was limping and Alicia had to help me walk.. yet he didn't care to ask if I was okay or even help me.. And I was leaving for a school trip to Europe before long, so I had to try to hide my leg constantly.. cover-up and nylons were the best I could do.. and I had every intention of sticking with him but when I got back from my trip and he was the only person I wanted to see... he straight-up ignored me... I saw him in the halls at school, waved and went to walk up and he turned the corner and walked away.. So next chance I saw him I grabbed him, took him outside and broke up with him. Oh, and I had seen Alicia before him, he told her while I was in Europe that if I broke up with him he'd kill himself... So he was mentally abusive too. He's still alive-for the record. But, Alicia was there for me once again... When I say that she has been the only thing in my life to remain stable, I really mean it...
My body hasn't even remained stable for me... It's failing me each and every day... I'm in excruciating pain just typing this up because of my hands... I'm going to go to bed tonight and wake up in excruciating pain barely able to move.. but I needed to write.. and sometimes the need to write is a little bit more important...
I was in an amazing relationship before Jess.. super stable, 2.5 years together, we were happy, we had planned on getting married, we knew the date, I had talked to his mom and aunt about going wedding dress shopping with me and his little sister was going to be a bridesmaid... We just hadn't made it 'official' with a ring because we wanted to wait till we lived together.. But, he felt that I wasn't sexually attracted to him at all, and when my best friend started showing interest in him he liked it... and before long he developed feelings for her, and she liked him.. and I could tell that when he was with her he was happier than when he was with me.. So I broke up with him so he could be happy... I love him so much that I put my own happiness aside so that he could be happy.. with another girl... For 2.5 years, I had stability with him.. it was a stable happiness, we never fought, or had issues of any kind... it was sad that it had to end. But, I still have my best friend Alicia.. through it all she's been there.
I am in so much pain... that the pain is outweighing the need to write.... I've rambled on a lot tonight... Nothing too crazy... and I'm updating my goals, cause, well.. they haven't been in a while, haha! Still sober-go me! It's been super hard, but I'm trying... and... I've decided, as long as the night goes well to start and the week or so leading up to the date I don't have any issues... I am going to have one night where I do drink and have some fun.. My (other) best friend Trace, and my girlfriend Jess are both turning 21 in March... and have decided to throw a joint birthday party at a bar.. I'd rather plan ahead and say yes I will drink if I feel I can handle it, then go to a bar and suffer a night of people trying to shove alcohol down my throat and not understanding why I wont drink, as well as just having a shit night being the one sober person... So, if I'm going to drink, I want it to be thought out a couple months in advance... It's not going to be easy to restart the sobriety count... but.. as long as life isn't getting me down, then all should be well.
I feel like the following comments are going to be people lecturing me about my choice to drink.... But honestly, It's not a choice that I'm making on a whim that I'm going to be regretting... I've thought about this for a while and I still have until the end of march.. I never promised anyone I would drink, but if I'm going to, you're damn straight I'm going to make sure it's what I want to do and I'm okay with it.
Quick note- I'm eating regularly again, and my therapy seems to be going well! A little frustrated I have to go to therapy on valentines day... but, what can you do?
Replies