my story....
It was mid-December of 2011.. I began to feel pain, like menstrual cramps, but different...they were in the wrong spot, and a different kind of pain. I remember it like it was yesterday..December 16th, my boyfriend Adam and I (at the time together approx 1 year 9 months) were getting ready to go to his work christmas party...that's when the pain really started, I took pain killers and dismissed it.. the pain continued for days, finally sending me to the clinic. The doctor had no clue what it could be, and finally sent me to get an ultrasound...still, no results.. I was constantly going into the clinic hoping someone could give me some answers until one doctor told me to relax, and if the pain get's really severe, intense, or worsens in any way to call for an ambulance and go to the ER. Of course I was concerned, but I followed the doctors orders...
It was new years eve, my boyfriend and I went to the nearby pub with some friends, finally leaving around 1am as I was complaining of the pain.. we got home just before 2am and I could barely stand anymore.. I told him if it didn't stop by 2am he had to call for an ambulance. And that's exactly what he did. No one was coming for me tho...he repeatedly called them, as I lay on the floor screaming...screaming and crying...it felt like I was going to die..a pain I will never forget. Finally, he called them again, around 4am, and as they were saying no one was coming for us an ambulance came down the road, lights flashing...they finally came.
They asked me questions as I lay on the floor, the woman was a condescending bi*ch...my boyfriend bonded with the male driver and I was stuck with her...ready to punch her face in because of the intensity of the pain, and my immense frustration.
We made it to the hospital, had to sit and wait for probably an hour in the waiting room before we were moved into the back a bit.. and waited more.. then moved again and guess what, we waited more.. we were moved from waiting room to waiting room, seemingly getting nowhere. Finally some nurse came, took some blood and told me to wait... so I did just that...
Eventually I told my boyfriend I had to go to the washroom... I was waiting for the doctor but I couldn't wait any longer... I brought my phone just in case I needed my boyfriend down the hall.. I went in, sat down and all I saw was blood... I got cleaned up and went back out..shaking..crying... the doctor came out and I told him what happened and he told me I just had a miscarriage, that I must have had a tubular pregnancy. He did an ultrasound for whatever reason...checking for excess I believe..
I had been waiting in the hospital for 8 hours in excruciating pain...went through a miscarriage, and was finally given a shot of morphine after I went through the most intense pain I have ever felt.. I was still in pain afterwards, the morphine did absolutely nothing for me and I was given morphine pills, which also did nothing for me... I took them all the same, in hopes they would help me sleep..cope..whatever really..
Many people knew I had been in pain...I had many people were asking what happened at the hospital..what it was all about...why I was in pain... Telling your friends and family you had a miscarriage is not an easy thing to do... not when you're still coping with it yourself...
I managed to get through it, I picked myself back up as I always do and I kept going.. I wasn't about to let it control my life.
Here we are...a year later, and I can't fight the sadness...can't fight the depression...can't fight the tears...
My boyfriend and I are no longer together, broke up after 2.5 years, still close friends but he's now dating my best friend...she has her jealousy issues so as much as he is the only person I can really talk to and have understand everything...he's the one person I can't talk to..not without upsetting her. I've moved on myself, I'm not hung up on him, I have an amazing girlfriend but she lives a ferry ride away and I can't always get a hold of her...
Christmas has never been an easy time of the year for me... I have lost many, but I've always managed to push through it and be okay, but this Christmas...having lost my baby this time last year, it's killing me and it's so hard to be happy and cheery. I am a very optimistic person, but when I get depressed...I spiral...and I have a history of alcohol abuse, it's taking every fiber of my being to not drink away the pain....
I have seen a counselor before for a different reason... and still have yet to see her for this...I thought I had coped and accepted it, that was until mid-December hit, as did the sadness.. and eventually the depression really sunk in. I wont be able to see her until sometime in January...which means I'll be going through the hardest time of my life without her. I was supposed to spend new years with my ex and my best friend/his new gf... but I had to tell them I can't handle it...I can't handle seeing him the exact day/time we lost our unborn child together...It's hard enough as is, I don't need the extra pain... Yet, being alone seems like a bad idea as well... I'm not sure what I'm going to do, all I really know is I should avoid alcohol-another reason why I don't want to spend New years with them...they're going to one of our favourite bars..the last thing I need is to go out and be a downer, making that bar associated with pain and sadness..
I've spent the last 4 or so hours bawling my eyes out on/off (mostly on) while finding music that fits my mood/the situation.... It's all I can do... I know it's not helping, but nothing helps... All I want...all I need is to feel comfort...from someone... but there's few that make me feel that way...and the few that can, I can't get a hold of/see for various reasons.... I never like to be a bother either..
I just don't know what to do anymore... Thus, I decided to search the internet for help... seeking support groups, seeking anyone who can understand..anyone who will listen... anyone who cares...
It was new years eve, my boyfriend and I went to the nearby pub with some friends, finally leaving around 1am as I was complaining of the pain.. we got home just before 2am and I could barely stand anymore.. I told him if it didn't stop by 2am he had to call for an ambulance. And that's exactly what he did. No one was coming for me tho...he repeatedly called them, as I lay on the floor screaming...screaming and crying...it felt like I was going to die..a pain I will never forget. Finally, he called them again, around 4am, and as they were saying no one was coming for us an ambulance came down the road, lights flashing...they finally came.
They asked me questions as I lay on the floor, the woman was a condescending bi*ch...my boyfriend bonded with the male driver and I was stuck with her...ready to punch her face in because of the intensity of the pain, and my immense frustration.
We made it to the hospital, had to sit and wait for probably an hour in the waiting room before we were moved into the back a bit.. and waited more.. then moved again and guess what, we waited more.. we were moved from waiting room to waiting room, seemingly getting nowhere. Finally some nurse came, took some blood and told me to wait... so I did just that...
Eventually I told my boyfriend I had to go to the washroom... I was waiting for the doctor but I couldn't wait any longer... I brought my phone just in case I needed my boyfriend down the hall.. I went in, sat down and all I saw was blood... I got cleaned up and went back out..shaking..crying... the doctor came out and I told him what happened and he told me I just had a miscarriage, that I must have had a tubular pregnancy. He did an ultrasound for whatever reason...checking for excess I believe..
I had been waiting in the hospital for 8 hours in excruciating pain...went through a miscarriage, and was finally given a shot of morphine after I went through the most intense pain I have ever felt.. I was still in pain afterwards, the morphine did absolutely nothing for me and I was given morphine pills, which also did nothing for me... I took them all the same, in hopes they would help me sleep..cope..whatever really..
Many people knew I had been in pain...I had many people were asking what happened at the hospital..what it was all about...why I was in pain... Telling your friends and family you had a miscarriage is not an easy thing to do... not when you're still coping with it yourself...
I managed to get through it, I picked myself back up as I always do and I kept going.. I wasn't about to let it control my life.
Here we are...a year later, and I can't fight the sadness...can't fight the depression...can't fight the tears...
My boyfriend and I are no longer together, broke up after 2.5 years, still close friends but he's now dating my best friend...she has her jealousy issues so as much as he is the only person I can really talk to and have understand everything...he's the one person I can't talk to..not without upsetting her. I've moved on myself, I'm not hung up on him, I have an amazing girlfriend but she lives a ferry ride away and I can't always get a hold of her...
Christmas has never been an easy time of the year for me... I have lost many, but I've always managed to push through it and be okay, but this Christmas...having lost my baby this time last year, it's killing me and it's so hard to be happy and cheery. I am a very optimistic person, but when I get depressed...I spiral...and I have a history of alcohol abuse, it's taking every fiber of my being to not drink away the pain....
I have seen a counselor before for a different reason... and still have yet to see her for this...I thought I had coped and accepted it, that was until mid-December hit, as did the sadness.. and eventually the depression really sunk in. I wont be able to see her until sometime in January...which means I'll be going through the hardest time of my life without her. I was supposed to spend new years with my ex and my best friend/his new gf... but I had to tell them I can't handle it...I can't handle seeing him the exact day/time we lost our unborn child together...It's hard enough as is, I don't need the extra pain... Yet, being alone seems like a bad idea as well... I'm not sure what I'm going to do, all I really know is I should avoid alcohol-another reason why I don't want to spend New years with them...they're going to one of our favourite bars..the last thing I need is to go out and be a downer, making that bar associated with pain and sadness..
I've spent the last 4 or so hours bawling my eyes out on/off (mostly on) while finding music that fits my mood/the situation.... It's all I can do... I know it's not helping, but nothing helps... All I want...all I need is to feel comfort...from someone... but there's few that make me feel that way...and the few that can, I can't get a hold of/see for various reasons.... I never like to be a bother either..
I just don't know what to do anymore... Thus, I decided to search the internet for help... seeking support groups, seeking anyone who can understand..anyone who will listen... anyone who cares...
Replies
HI acinorev, I read your thread in Alcoholism, and came to read your journal. Looks like you\'ve found someone who may just understand. In fact I was your age when similar happened to me and I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. Difference was, you\'re courageously reaching out for support and help. It took me many years of drinking and shutting everyone out before I did that. You mentioned you\'re attending grief counselling. I did too when I eventually got to rehab and it helped me immensely. What also helped me was that I was sober and wasn\'t drinking away all the good work we were doing in those sessions. Welcome to DS and the Alcoholism community :} Message me anytime. I\'m in a different timezone, but I look in every day. You\'ve found a group who does care and I hope we can be a support to you :}
Hey there CoogeeMum, first off I would like to say that I really appreciate you making the effort and taking the time to not only find and read my journal, but to also reply, it means a lot to me. I can honestly say that the only reason I\'m going to be attending grief counselling is because I\'ve gone before and can see my same counsellor.. it took me..7 years, of deperession, anxiety, fear, paranoia...well, 7 years of post traumatic stress disorder to finally get help, and it was the best thing I\'ve ever done.. so I\'m definitely not making the mistake of waiting, and suffering alone again.. I was sexually assaulted twice, never told my family, and told very few friends.. it was only once I brought up the courage and shared my story at school in a Criminology class that I finally knew it was time to get some real help. So, thank you again, for replying, I appreciate it and I really do appreciate the support.