I'm having a hard time right now and I thought I be feeling better at this point.  Nothing feels right, nothing feels good.  I need to find a way through this and keep my sanity.  I was thinking last night how I need to start looking at things as "mine" instead of "ours".  But everything is "ours", Gene and mine.  I look around and think I should make some changes hoping they would make it feel more comfortable rather than keeping everything just like it was when Gene was here.  It's so hard to explain.  I just can't keep going on this way crying every morning and forcing myself to do the smallest chores around the house.  Fall is on the way and as much as I love this time of year, I'm dreading it too, because it means the holidays will follow and more "firsts" will start again.  I remember how hard it was to get through Gene's birthday and our anniversary.  Will I make it through the holidays?  I can't think that far ahead right now.