Moving on

I realized this morning that I'm afraid to move on past my grief because I think if I do I will leave Gene behind and I feel so close to him when I'm crying and grieving.  I know this might sound stupid, but I tried to tell Gene this morning that I have to move on and that I will carry him with me wherever I go and whatever I do.  It's just all so hard.  Even as I write this the tears fall and the pain in my heart is so deep and overwhelming.  I miss him so much most days that I can hardly think of anything else.  I'd give anything to have him back.  I don't know how to go on without him.  Somedays I don't want to go on, but I have my son to think about and he be so lost without me.  It's harder now too because people have stopped calling to check on me as much as they did in the beginning and sometimes I feel so lonely.  Monday night dinner with the kids went well except I caught a glimpse of a stained glass angel that Gene bought me the week before he died and I started crying.  My sweet girl Rachel came out to the living room and sat with me till it passed.  My son caught me crying Monday morning as he stopped by at 7:30 in the morning to work on his truck.  I felt really bad but there was nothing I could do.  I cry every morning but I didn't want to tell him that.  Work has been busy this week so it hasn't been as hard to be there.  Next week will go back to the same slow time.  I've been searching the internet for a new job.  I think it would really help if I was busy all the time with something that would keep my mind occupied. There's a big festival on the bay this weekend.  They have it every year and it's always nice to go down and walk around.  They have a bunch of craft vendors and food tents set up with live music and lots of stuff for the kids.  My friend is supposed to come up and we are going to go either Saturday or Sunday.  Not sure which yet.   One more day and I'll have made it through a whole week of work again!  It's the little things that count right now.