I live my life moment by moment these days.  Looking any further ahead than that brings on feelings of dread and sadness.  Living these past months without Gene has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I still miss him every moment of every day but the pain isn't as raw and the bad days seem to be getting farther apart each week.  My life will never be the same again.  I know that this sadness will carry with me the rest of my life.  But I also now at least have hope for the future, I just need to find my way back to some semblance of a normal life.  That's going to take more time. I've been keeping busy.  Yesterday I mowed the front lawn, weeded the garden and painted the front step to the house.  Today I was planning on painting the patio out back but it's looking like it might rain.  I really need to face the family room downstairs.  It still looks exactly the same as it did when Gene died.  I walked down there the other day and the only difference is there are a few dozen cobwebs.  I was joking that I could just leave it that way til halloween and the room would have natural decorations (LOL)!  Maybe I'll try to get some cleaning done down there today.  One moment at a time. Work is still pretty boring and the time goes by so slowly some days I find myself watching the clock just waiting to leave.  If it doesn't pick up soon I'm going to go absolutely crazy.  

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

sounds like my work....hmmm maybe we will both find more interesting jobs someday in the future! I am SO glad to hear you saying you have some hope for the future. My future is still completely up in the air as I haven\'t sold my husband\'s businesses.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are an inspiration to me and I have set about the garden today. I love the way you are so open about what you are going through. I think that you are right - living moment by moment is the only answer.
JudiB
JudiB

Just reading your words takes me back to where I was a year ago. No direction, just trying to make it through one day at a time. Trying to find a reason to even get through each day. I can\'t give you an exact time, day or moment that things changed - they just did, so gradually that I never even noticed when it happened. I still have my days, like today, when the quiet gets to me and I think back to what we would be doing if he was still here and then I feel the sadness of knowing that it\'s over and it\'s never going to be like that again. And then I just move on to new thoughts - what to do next, what to take care of now and peacefully remember that one day I will see him again, I just have to wait. It is a very hard road in the beginning, seemingly almost impossible at first. But as you are finding, that in little tiny baby steps you move toward a new way of life - not one of choice but one of necessity. Eventually when the time is right you find a reason to smile again. It just takes time...... hugs, Judi
deleted_user
deleted_user

Still sending you prayers and blessings.... You are such a brave and courageous woman! Hugs, Sandy
lindalun
lindalun

We have to life a day at a time. If we think about the future we will surely not make through. There are moments that we just want to give up however we know that our husbands would not like that. I miss my husband so much that tears just keep coming down any where anytime. I think that people think that I am either exagerating or going crazy. Only someon who is in the same position like us will understand what pain we are going through. I will follow your advice and get busy doing something that needs to be done around the house. I know I need to do some gardening and maybe that could be a project for me. I just don\'t have the energy to do anything. I miss my husband and I love him dearly. Hugs Linda