It's been a couple of days since I've written.  The kids were here Monday night for dinner and yesterday I had grief counseling.  I only have one more free session of counseling, but I'm going to continue through my insurance.  Somehow, it brings me a few hours of peace.  I guess because I cry and talk about Gene.  I can tell her stories about him and she listens and understands.  I've made it to work so far this week, but I've been having some bad times where I have to go out to my car and call my friend/sister/son so they can talk me through it so I can go back in and finish out the day.  What is so hard for me right now is crying alone.  I long for one of Gene's great bear hugs to help me get through this.  It's how I always got through the really tough times with him, and without him I don't know what to do.  I don't want to lean on my son, he's got his own life to live and has bad hours as much as I do.  My other support people are not close by but they'd be here in a heart beat if I asked.  I'm missing him more today, rather than less.  I told my counselor I felt as if I'm betraying Gene by moving forward.  She said the further I move forward, the closer I will get to him.  In a way she's right.  I can't even look at his picture without crying right now.  I went through this same thing when my mother in law died, but Gene was here to get me through.  My son found Gene's dogtags from the Navy on Monday night and now we are each wearing one.  It hangs close to my heart.  I'm really feeling the pain again.  Not as raw, but reality has settled in.  The company I work for wants me to go on FMLA so that I can keep my  health benefits since I haven't been able to work a full 30 hours a week since I went back.  Last week I felt as though I might be able to slowly build back up to full-time, but right now I'm not sure I'm ready.  I guess it would be different if I was really busy at work, but I'm not right now.     

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I like that thought...that the further we move forward the closer we will get to them. I threw out a bunch of food that Butch had frozen today....I felt SO disloyal to him...but they were probably past the date for using them.. .
deleted_user
deleted_user

Your honest description of your feelings is really helping me to understand where I am in my grief right now. Thank you so much. I am not able to analyse my pain at all at the moment - something I will need to do but it does help reading what others are experiencing - makes the pain seem right somehow. My love to you today and thanks for the flowers.
JudiB
JudiB

When we lose someone who we\'ve spent a lifetime loving it\'s very hard to even think about having a life without them. But then one day they are gone and we are left here alone to deal with the emptiness, the loneliness, the sadness, the missing them and everything else that is involved in their leaving. I think they call it \"moving forward\" for lack of a better term. Maybe because it is the opposite of moving backwards which we can no longer do. There is no going back to what was only what it is in the here and now. We have to learn to live without them but somehow keeping with us all of the good that they brought into our lives. I know at this point for you it may seem hopeless. It\'s going to take alot of time and going through this pain to get to where one day your heart will not feel quite so broken, not so constantly throbbing with the ache of your loss. It does get a little easier as time goes by but you will find this out in due time. I still feel the aching for my husband but not quite the way it was in the beginning when it was so completely unbearable. All that you are going through right now is just how it\'s got to be for awhile until you find your way. I\'m so glad that you will be continuing your counseling. If you\'re finding peace by going then you are doing the right thing. I like the way you said because you \"talk about Gene and cry\". That\'s exactly what you need to be able to do right now. And don\'t worry about the sudden escapes you must make at work - that\'s to be expected. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing what you need to do to get through this. I\'ve been there and I know and so have so many others. It\'s a process and it will take time to go through it all. Take care of yourself. Lots of hugs, Judi
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Carol,
Though it may not be much comfort to you, I need you to know that I am feeling exactly the same way, I miss Rich even more now than ever and cry each time I talk to his picture. I guess our inital shock is wearing off and reality is settling in and that\'s why.
But how I loved the \"more I move ahead, the closer I get\" to actually being with our sweethearts once again. For me it\'s like my goal and my daily prayer, to be with Rich again as soon as God allows it. Don\'t mean that in a depressive way, just that he was the joy of my life and I want that back again one day.
Love to you today and everyday......Mo