It's been a couple of days since I've written. The kids were here Monday night for dinner and yesterday I had grief counseling. I only have one more free session of counseling, but I'm going to continue through my insurance. Somehow, it brings me a few hours of peace. I guess because I cry and talk about Gene. I can tell her stories about him and she listens and understands. I've made it to work so far this week, but I've been having some bad times where I have to go out to my car and call my friend/sister/son so they can talk me through it so I can go back in and finish out the day. What is so hard for me right now is crying alone. I long for one of Gene's great bear hugs to help me get through this. It's how I always got through the really tough times with him, and without him I don't know what to do. I don't want to lean on my son, he's got his own life to live and has bad hours as much as I do. My other support people are not close by but they'd be here in a heart beat if I asked. I'm missing him more today, rather than less. I told my counselor I felt as if I'm betraying Gene by moving forward. She said the further I move forward, the closer I will get to him. In a way she's right. I can't even look at his picture without crying right now. I went through this same thing when my mother in law died, but Gene was here to get me through. My son found Gene's dogtags from the Navy on Monday night and now we are each wearing one. It hangs close to my heart. I'm really feeling the pain again. Not as raw, but reality has settled in. The company I work for wants me to go on FMLA so that I can keep my health benefits since I haven't been able to work a full 30 hours a week since I went back. Last week I felt as though I might be able to slowly build back up to full-time, but right now I'm not sure I'm ready. I guess it would be different if I was really busy at work, but I'm not right now.