Well, made it through one more day at work and have only cried once today.  I had grief counseling yesterday afternoon.  I really like my counselor, she is so patient and a very good listener.  I cried a lot of the time I was there but we did manage to talk about my unreal expectations and my obsession of trying to find some reason for Gene's death.  This is the second time we've discussed this, because my head says there has to be a reason.  My counselor has another theory--that there isn't a reason it's just me trying to make sense out of a random act of the universe.  She reminded me that we fool ourselves into believing we have some control and when things like this happen to us, we have to face the fact that we don't really have any control after all.  When I talked about the fact that I don't feel like doing anything, she said I'm too hard on myself.  At six weeks since Gene's death, I'm not supposed to feel like doing anything and that crying is the most natural thing for my body to do right now.  So, I'm somewhat normal anyway.  I do get a sense of peace from talking with her, unfortunately it only lasts a few hours, but I'll take all that I can get right now.