It's only April 16. How could so much "bad" happen in such a short time in a year? Ot makes me wonder .... it makes me numb.
I try my hardest to always find the positive in any negative ~ some times that just becomes more difficult.
Death has been surrounding us since 2015 began. I think back on my life and all the people I have loved who are no longer with us here on earth. It actually is heartache ... an ache that never seems to fade ... never seems to lessen. We just learn to move forward and carry the ache as a "new" part of who we are.
No death has ever shaken me to my core as much as the one of my only child. Randy Lee was my life ... my heart & soul ... he was was greatest accomplishment. I will forever be thankful to God for the opportunity to be chosen his mom ... if it was only to be for 18 years. I've wished for longer but as hard as his death was I would not change those 18 years, the ache of his passing if it meant never knowing him. He was a spirit that brightened so many lives.
Two of my best friends from high school died way too young. My dad ... just 43. My grandpap just 54 ... my grandma 73 ... Randy Lee at 18 ... It seems so senseless. Too many lives gone too soon. Too much love without those here.
I've long since known I do not want a funeral when I die. I do not want people coming to a funeral home to look at my dead body saying words they didn't take time to say when I was here. I don't want my family to go through that. I don't want a grave ... to be buried or have a marker with my name etched. I know this seems selfish to some but it's my belief, my choice. I don't believe there is any wrong way to mourn but I know for me, this is my choice.
I do not feel my son is at that cemetery where the bronze plaque etched with letters and numbers sits. I don't need to go there to think of him ... remember him ... talk to him. For me - that's not him. It may hold the remains of his earthly body but WHO Randy Lee was ... HIM ... he was so much more than that.
This isn't a new feeling for me. I've felt this way most of my life. My Grandma never missed a funeral for someone she knew. I'm not sure - maybe it was a generation thing but she would go, hug everyone, chat and talk about how sad it was they were "lost". LOST always baffled me. Where exactly were they lost? I thought they were in heaven? Isn't that what our religion teaches most of us? It's a belief I choose to hold true. God ... heaven ... angels ... sins ... blessings ... hell .... I believe in that. I don't want people to cry when I pass - I want them to remember me for who I was to them. Remember what I did ... what I accomplished ... even what I failed at. I want them to smile and know I will be with my son ... my Grandma ... my dad ... may Grandpap ... my friends .... I want them to know I am at peace. Peace is not something I've known for 12 years.
My mother struggles to understand my wishes. My husband knows them and agrees to follow through on my plans should I pass before him. My mother believes in services ... to the church ... buried ... plaques ... taking flowers ... all of it. She does not understand my wish to be cremated and feels it goes against what our beliefs are. I don't believe the same ... and that's fine. I know when the time comes, should she still be alive ... she will struggle with my wishes. My husband understands ... at least he understands they are my beliefs, my wishes ... my desire.
No mark left on this earth of me ... no THING that marks who I am. People ... deeds.... actions ... that is what will mark who I was once I'm gone.
Tonight I find myself struggling to see the good. Maybe it's just too many loses in short times ... maybe it's stress ... being over worked. Maybe it's ... that ache just echoing louder than normal.
I try my hardest to always find the positive in any negative ~ some times that just becomes more difficult.
Death has been surrounding us since 2015 began. I think back on my life and all the people I have loved who are no longer with us here on earth. It actually is heartache ... an ache that never seems to fade ... never seems to lessen. We just learn to move forward and carry the ache as a "new" part of who we are.
No death has ever shaken me to my core as much as the one of my only child. Randy Lee was my life ... my heart & soul ... he was was greatest accomplishment. I will forever be thankful to God for the opportunity to be chosen his mom ... if it was only to be for 18 years. I've wished for longer but as hard as his death was I would not change those 18 years, the ache of his passing if it meant never knowing him. He was a spirit that brightened so many lives.
Two of my best friends from high school died way too young. My dad ... just 43. My grandpap just 54 ... my grandma 73 ... Randy Lee at 18 ... It seems so senseless. Too many lives gone too soon. Too much love without those here.
I've long since known I do not want a funeral when I die. I do not want people coming to a funeral home to look at my dead body saying words they didn't take time to say when I was here. I don't want my family to go through that. I don't want a grave ... to be buried or have a marker with my name etched. I know this seems selfish to some but it's my belief, my choice. I don't believe there is any wrong way to mourn but I know for me, this is my choice.
I do not feel my son is at that cemetery where the bronze plaque etched with letters and numbers sits. I don't need to go there to think of him ... remember him ... talk to him. For me - that's not him. It may hold the remains of his earthly body but WHO Randy Lee was ... HIM ... he was so much more than that.
This isn't a new feeling for me. I've felt this way most of my life. My Grandma never missed a funeral for someone she knew. I'm not sure - maybe it was a generation thing but she would go, hug everyone, chat and talk about how sad it was they were "lost". LOST always baffled me. Where exactly were they lost? I thought they were in heaven? Isn't that what our religion teaches most of us? It's a belief I choose to hold true. God ... heaven ... angels ... sins ... blessings ... hell .... I believe in that. I don't want people to cry when I pass - I want them to remember me for who I was to them. Remember what I did ... what I accomplished ... even what I failed at. I want them to smile and know I will be with my son ... my Grandma ... my dad ... may Grandpap ... my friends .... I want them to know I am at peace. Peace is not something I've known for 12 years.
My mother struggles to understand my wishes. My husband knows them and agrees to follow through on my plans should I pass before him. My mother believes in services ... to the church ... buried ... plaques ... taking flowers ... all of it. She does not understand my wish to be cremated and feels it goes against what our beliefs are. I don't believe the same ... and that's fine. I know when the time comes, should she still be alive ... she will struggle with my wishes. My husband understands ... at least he understands they are my beliefs, my wishes ... my desire.
No mark left on this earth of me ... no THING that marks who I am. People ... deeds.... actions ... that is what will mark who I was once I'm gone.
Tonight I find myself struggling to see the good. Maybe it's just too many loses in short times ... maybe it's stress ... being over worked. Maybe it's ... that ache just echoing louder than normal.
Replies
{{{HUGS}}}
I understand and wish you some peace xoxoxo
Tight hugs, hoping you find some peace today. Love, Paula
You will leave a legacy of love and that is ALL that matters... Your wishes are yours and I\'m grateful that your husband understands.
Peace and Blessings,
Joanie
Lots of hugs to let you know you are cared about & loved.