This week has been beyond painful. They say time heals wounds but that is so not true. Time does not make it easier, less hurtful, somehow magically make it easier to feel less heartache. No amount of time can fill the void that has encased our hearts or remove the space that nothing can ever fill again in our life. It's a pain no amount of words can do justice ~ it's an emptiness that sucks the air out of your lungs to the point you swear you're about to die. It's a pain none of us ever thought about nor is it one we'd wish on our worst enemy. It simply just is.
I've struggled the past two weeks. Bits of the past flooding back without being prepared. Nothing really seeming to distract me the way I need it to so my mind can at least attempt to forget why the pain is there. I've honestly had a difficult time keeping my emotions in check, and a few times a tear slipped out.
Today was my last day at work before my vacation. I purposely take this week off each year. I never really know how I'm going to be but I always know it's a very emotional time for me. Removing myself from where I have to interact with others, make decisions, do things for the well being of others ~ I'm just not in a good space to do that during this time.
My team is caring and they know how difficult this is for me. Some are curious and I never shy away from talking about Randy Lee. I love talking about him. It makes me feel like he's still here. There are stories from friends, parents of friends of Randy Lee's ... that still make me smile.
My son Randy Lee was an amazing young man. He had a big heart who loved and enjoyed making people happy. He had a great sense of humor and really loved playing jokes on people. He would give the shirt off his back if it meant helping someone he cared about. He had an amazing smile that would light a room and a twinkle in his eye that just make you smile because it always looked like he was going to do something rotten. He loved his niece & nephews like they were his brothers & sister. He loved spending time with them and his uncle. He loved his grandparents and nanny. He gave the best hugs and "love you mom" still melts my heart. Even when he was frustrated or trying to make a point and would call me "mother!!" would be a welcome sound. I honestly never knew what love was ... I honestly never knew what it meant to be willing to give your life for another .. I honestly never felt the kind of love that I did when he was born. I wish I could say I was a perfect mom and I always did everything right, but I can't. I can say that I loved Randy Lee more than I have ever loved another person ... more than I really believed was possible.
These past 2 weeks have been rough. 12 years .... how did that happen? 12 years? A co-worker was talking to me today and said she just didn't understand how I survived this. (not like I had a say) We got to talking about a person we have interactions with via the mental health community who just happens to have been an ex- girlfriend of Randy Lee's. Somehow I always saw them in one another's lives. Today she's happily married to a sweet man and they have a beautiful little girl. Several years ago she told me a dream she had the night before her wedding. She loved Bill - her now husband and she loved him. Part of her always saw Randy Lee in her life too. She wondered what he would think of her marriage, being with Bill - she just had him on her mind a lot that period before her wedding. She told me with tears in her eyes about her dream. She was standing at the alter in her wedding gown facing the alter. She turned to see an empty church but one person. Randy Lee sitting there in a tux smiling at her and nodding his head. No words just a smile and a nod. She said she woke up crying but feeling blessed. Randy Lee would so have done that ~ he would want her happy and loved .... and she is.
I had a day of "music memories". Songs that scream Randy Lee to me. Ones that make me smile .... ones that make me cry ...ones that leave questions in my mind but all thoughts of him.
I never wanted to lose him. I never wanted him to die so young. I never wanted this life. I never wanted any of it ... none of us did. The one thing that I still beat myself up over is feeling that I asked for it. Not in the means that I asked him to die but in a very trying moment one day when I felt I was at the end of my rope, I couldn't take one more thing. I was crying and spoke out to God that I was handing it over to him. Please .... begging .... please let him be at peace, let him stop hurting and just get over this addiction. 9 months later I heard those words that still echo in my mind. Maybe this was the only way he could be at peace. Maybe I wished it .... who would do that? I wanted him to stop using. I wanted my son back. I wanted Randy Lee ....instead I lost him.
I'm 3 days away from 12 years of loss & pain. If I could have one wish now, knowing of course I can't have him back or change the times ... I wish I could hear him say "I love you mom". A dream, a vivid dream where I could hear his sweet voice again. Maybe I'll get lucky and a sign will come ... I think I'm just going to pack a bag and get out of town for a few days. Somewhere no one knows what the 16th means ... no one will ask if i'm okay ... no one will have to check on me to see if I'm okay. Just somewhere I can be invisible.
To all the mom's out there feeling the loss of their sweet child ... to all the mom's out there who want the same wish to hear the voice once more ... to all the mom's walking this horrible path we all got dropped on without a say .... may you all have a sign this weekend that your sweet child is thinking of you as I pray for the same. XOXOXO
I've struggled the past two weeks. Bits of the past flooding back without being prepared. Nothing really seeming to distract me the way I need it to so my mind can at least attempt to forget why the pain is there. I've honestly had a difficult time keeping my emotions in check, and a few times a tear slipped out.
Today was my last day at work before my vacation. I purposely take this week off each year. I never really know how I'm going to be but I always know it's a very emotional time for me. Removing myself from where I have to interact with others, make decisions, do things for the well being of others ~ I'm just not in a good space to do that during this time.
My team is caring and they know how difficult this is for me. Some are curious and I never shy away from talking about Randy Lee. I love talking about him. It makes me feel like he's still here. There are stories from friends, parents of friends of Randy Lee's ... that still make me smile.
My son Randy Lee was an amazing young man. He had a big heart who loved and enjoyed making people happy. He had a great sense of humor and really loved playing jokes on people. He would give the shirt off his back if it meant helping someone he cared about. He had an amazing smile that would light a room and a twinkle in his eye that just make you smile because it always looked like he was going to do something rotten. He loved his niece & nephews like they were his brothers & sister. He loved spending time with them and his uncle. He loved his grandparents and nanny. He gave the best hugs and "love you mom" still melts my heart. Even when he was frustrated or trying to make a point and would call me "mother!!" would be a welcome sound. I honestly never knew what love was ... I honestly never knew what it meant to be willing to give your life for another .. I honestly never felt the kind of love that I did when he was born. I wish I could say I was a perfect mom and I always did everything right, but I can't. I can say that I loved Randy Lee more than I have ever loved another person ... more than I really believed was possible.
These past 2 weeks have been rough. 12 years .... how did that happen? 12 years? A co-worker was talking to me today and said she just didn't understand how I survived this. (not like I had a say) We got to talking about a person we have interactions with via the mental health community who just happens to have been an ex- girlfriend of Randy Lee's. Somehow I always saw them in one another's lives. Today she's happily married to a sweet man and they have a beautiful little girl. Several years ago she told me a dream she had the night before her wedding. She loved Bill - her now husband and she loved him. Part of her always saw Randy Lee in her life too. She wondered what he would think of her marriage, being with Bill - she just had him on her mind a lot that period before her wedding. She told me with tears in her eyes about her dream. She was standing at the alter in her wedding gown facing the alter. She turned to see an empty church but one person. Randy Lee sitting there in a tux smiling at her and nodding his head. No words just a smile and a nod. She said she woke up crying but feeling blessed. Randy Lee would so have done that ~ he would want her happy and loved .... and she is.
I had a day of "music memories". Songs that scream Randy Lee to me. Ones that make me smile .... ones that make me cry ...ones that leave questions in my mind but all thoughts of him.
I never wanted to lose him. I never wanted him to die so young. I never wanted this life. I never wanted any of it ... none of us did. The one thing that I still beat myself up over is feeling that I asked for it. Not in the means that I asked him to die but in a very trying moment one day when I felt I was at the end of my rope, I couldn't take one more thing. I was crying and spoke out to God that I was handing it over to him. Please .... begging .... please let him be at peace, let him stop hurting and just get over this addiction. 9 months later I heard those words that still echo in my mind. Maybe this was the only way he could be at peace. Maybe I wished it .... who would do that? I wanted him to stop using. I wanted my son back. I wanted Randy Lee ....instead I lost him.
I'm 3 days away from 12 years of loss & pain. If I could have one wish now, knowing of course I can't have him back or change the times ... I wish I could hear him say "I love you mom". A dream, a vivid dream where I could hear his sweet voice again. Maybe I'll get lucky and a sign will come ... I think I'm just going to pack a bag and get out of town for a few days. Somewhere no one knows what the 16th means ... no one will ask if i'm okay ... no one will have to check on me to see if I'm okay. Just somewhere I can be invisible.
To all the mom's out there feeling the loss of their sweet child ... to all the mom's out there who want the same wish to hear the voice once more ... to all the mom's walking this horrible path we all got dropped on without a say .... may you all have a sign this weekend that your sweet child is thinking of you as I pray for the same. XOXOXO
Replies
What a heart felt tribute to your son. I am with you and hope we can have some signs of love from our children. I understand you thoughts so very much. How can this be possible, yet it is. Peace and hugs, Kathy
Time changes things..it doesn\'t heal all. Randy Lee sounds a lot like my Alex...great hugs and always a I love you! Thank you for your wish for each of us...and that is mine for you as well. Love and gentle hugs...Karen