Mother's Day
It was a very long day at work today and I must admit, it's been an emotional week though I've really tried to keep that to myself. That's sort of hard to do in my line of work but I know in my heart, I'm exactly where I should be. 11 years ago this past March 16 my heart broke and what remains does so with a "hole in the shape of Randy Lee". In the 18 years I was blessed to have Randy Lee physically here in my life were ones I treasure. There were good times, bad ones, happy times and sad ones but I wouldn't change it if it meant never having him as my son.
I have been blessed many times in the past 11 yrs with signs and gifts delivered via my personal angel. There were times I wasn't sure how I would possibly live another minute only to have something occur that showed me strength I never knew I had. One of those things was being led to where I am today. I work psych rehab and while challenging - it's rewarding as well. It was a job that I know my son took me by the hand and guided me to = not only to help me but to allow me to help others by his story.
This weekend will be my 12th Mother's Day without my son here by my side. I type that number and it seems impossible because there were moments I wasn't sure i'd last 12 hrs, 12 days or 12 months yet here I stand. I stand not alone but with an amazing, strong, special yet group of women who never wanted to know one another or share this tragic bond. Over these years women who aside from walking this path didn't know me from the stranger on the street. Yet they supported, counseled, cried with and reached out to allow me to mourn, miss, be angry and even remember with a smile. It's a bond no one can explain but one each of us has felt.
That first Mother's Day in 2003 I just wanted to curl up in bed with the covers over my head and forget it was happening. A friend of my son's called and asked to come over. I must have hesitated when he asked because he said "I really need to see you" so I agreed. I got dressed -a rare thing for me those days and waited. When he came through the door I wasn't really prepared for the emotions I felt. He had missed Randy Lee's funeral because he was in rehab but his mom had come. She was with him this day as well. Larry gave me a hug and whispered how much he missed Randy Lee. We sat there and he began to tell me a story and he kept getting choked up - he handed me a card. I wasn't sure where this was going but I opened the card and it was a Mother's Day card. "For a Special Mom ...." As I opened the card I began to read what he wrote and the tears just fell. He wrote how for a week he had dreams of Randy Lee asking him to talk to me, to tell me and explain. He went on to say how much Randy Lee loved me and that he regretted hurting me. How much I meant to him and even when he was angry he knew I loved him. I have never held a grudge on anyone who was part of Randy Lee's life of his addiction. No one held a gun to his head to make him use or drink - he made those choices. We sat and chatted for a long time that day and he told me stories I hadn't know and for the first time in those dark days I felt like there may be sun. Over the years I've read that card many times and why, how - I don't know but Randy Lee guided Larry to me and I needed that more than I even knew.
About a month ago I did intake on a new person for work. I sat there asking the same questions I had dozens of time taking time to write his response. Then I glanced up and in that instant I felt my heart race and my breath catch. This young man looked like Randy Lee sitting there with his head down reading the paper, holding his pen the same awkward way Randy Lee did and for a moment I forgot where I was. I knew this was going to be a difficult support for me but I also knew he needed us. Tonight, too many old feelings came rushing in. Too many old sights that tugged at my heartstrings. Maybe it's the fact that Mother's Day is 3 days away or that I've thought about Randy Lee a lot lately. Maybe he's telling me something - I don't know but he has my attention.
I get home and try to unwind. I click open my facebook and read a few posts and then see a pic that my nephew tagged me in. I click on it and it's of my brother, his two son's and Randy Lee at Kings Dominion. There he was with that smile that lit up a room, his backwards hat and it was like yesterday. I read the comments and my neice noted how that was the day she wanted everything Randy Lee got and to this day loves rock candy and it makes her think of him. He loved those kids so much. I remember how hard my neice took his death ~ then she commented back that she loved him so much and he was her brother. Some wounds just open more easily than others.
I would love to skip Sunday, I'm not going to lie. It is always a hard day for me. Even my husband never knows how to handle it - how can he when I don't. I will forever be Randy Lee's mom - that will never change. I don't want that to change. I'm always, always, always going to miss that kid every second of every day. No matter how strong people think I am or I appear to be there's this small piece of me that is shattered and has been since I heard those words on March 16, 2003. They still echo in my head and the pain still can consume me. Those are words Randy Lee wrote in his journel. He was writing about why he used drugs, why he drank, why, why, why and he wrote "I don't know ... It consumes me".
This is long and I'm likely rambling. Please understand that I am so very blessed in many ways. 18 years I had my son here. He blessed me with his best friend J, my bonus son. I have a heartful and then some of memories of his sweet nature, big hearted, goofy grin antics that make me smile ... and cry. I have had people share stories about him with me that let me know he really was a good kid. Would I love another 18 years - hell yes - who wouldn't. God answers all our prayers - just not always the answers we want.
So, for all my mom friends who travel this path that none of us ever wanted to walk - May Sunday bring you a moment when you feel your child close in spirit, you can smile even ever so slightly and have a sweet memory of the days when you were blessed with them here with you on earth. May you always feel them close and know without a doubt you shall forever be their mom and no matter what, that's a love & a bond no span of time or distance can break. <3
I have been blessed many times in the past 11 yrs with signs and gifts delivered via my personal angel. There were times I wasn't sure how I would possibly live another minute only to have something occur that showed me strength I never knew I had. One of those things was being led to where I am today. I work psych rehab and while challenging - it's rewarding as well. It was a job that I know my son took me by the hand and guided me to = not only to help me but to allow me to help others by his story.
This weekend will be my 12th Mother's Day without my son here by my side. I type that number and it seems impossible because there were moments I wasn't sure i'd last 12 hrs, 12 days or 12 months yet here I stand. I stand not alone but with an amazing, strong, special yet group of women who never wanted to know one another or share this tragic bond. Over these years women who aside from walking this path didn't know me from the stranger on the street. Yet they supported, counseled, cried with and reached out to allow me to mourn, miss, be angry and even remember with a smile. It's a bond no one can explain but one each of us has felt.
That first Mother's Day in 2003 I just wanted to curl up in bed with the covers over my head and forget it was happening. A friend of my son's called and asked to come over. I must have hesitated when he asked because he said "I really need to see you" so I agreed. I got dressed -a rare thing for me those days and waited. When he came through the door I wasn't really prepared for the emotions I felt. He had missed Randy Lee's funeral because he was in rehab but his mom had come. She was with him this day as well. Larry gave me a hug and whispered how much he missed Randy Lee. We sat there and he began to tell me a story and he kept getting choked up - he handed me a card. I wasn't sure where this was going but I opened the card and it was a Mother's Day card. "For a Special Mom ...." As I opened the card I began to read what he wrote and the tears just fell. He wrote how for a week he had dreams of Randy Lee asking him to talk to me, to tell me and explain. He went on to say how much Randy Lee loved me and that he regretted hurting me. How much I meant to him and even when he was angry he knew I loved him. I have never held a grudge on anyone who was part of Randy Lee's life of his addiction. No one held a gun to his head to make him use or drink - he made those choices. We sat and chatted for a long time that day and he told me stories I hadn't know and for the first time in those dark days I felt like there may be sun. Over the years I've read that card many times and why, how - I don't know but Randy Lee guided Larry to me and I needed that more than I even knew.
About a month ago I did intake on a new person for work. I sat there asking the same questions I had dozens of time taking time to write his response. Then I glanced up and in that instant I felt my heart race and my breath catch. This young man looked like Randy Lee sitting there with his head down reading the paper, holding his pen the same awkward way Randy Lee did and for a moment I forgot where I was. I knew this was going to be a difficult support for me but I also knew he needed us. Tonight, too many old feelings came rushing in. Too many old sights that tugged at my heartstrings. Maybe it's the fact that Mother's Day is 3 days away or that I've thought about Randy Lee a lot lately. Maybe he's telling me something - I don't know but he has my attention.
I get home and try to unwind. I click open my facebook and read a few posts and then see a pic that my nephew tagged me in. I click on it and it's of my brother, his two son's and Randy Lee at Kings Dominion. There he was with that smile that lit up a room, his backwards hat and it was like yesterday. I read the comments and my neice noted how that was the day she wanted everything Randy Lee got and to this day loves rock candy and it makes her think of him. He loved those kids so much. I remember how hard my neice took his death ~ then she commented back that she loved him so much and he was her brother. Some wounds just open more easily than others.
I would love to skip Sunday, I'm not going to lie. It is always a hard day for me. Even my husband never knows how to handle it - how can he when I don't. I will forever be Randy Lee's mom - that will never change. I don't want that to change. I'm always, always, always going to miss that kid every second of every day. No matter how strong people think I am or I appear to be there's this small piece of me that is shattered and has been since I heard those words on March 16, 2003. They still echo in my head and the pain still can consume me. Those are words Randy Lee wrote in his journel. He was writing about why he used drugs, why he drank, why, why, why and he wrote "I don't know ... It consumes me".
This is long and I'm likely rambling. Please understand that I am so very blessed in many ways. 18 years I had my son here. He blessed me with his best friend J, my bonus son. I have a heartful and then some of memories of his sweet nature, big hearted, goofy grin antics that make me smile ... and cry. I have had people share stories about him with me that let me know he really was a good kid. Would I love another 18 years - hell yes - who wouldn't. God answers all our prayers - just not always the answers we want.
So, for all my mom friends who travel this path that none of us ever wanted to walk - May Sunday bring you a moment when you feel your child close in spirit, you can smile even ever so slightly and have a sweet memory of the days when you were blessed with them here with you on earth. May you always feel them close and know without a doubt you shall forever be their mom and no matter what, that's a love & a bond no span of time or distance can break. <3
Replies
may sunday bring a smile to your face as you feel your son close by.... love ya!!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. This is my first Mother\'s Day without my daughter and I just don\'t know how I\'m going to get through - BUT all these moms who have made it through that first year and every year after that - I know I will too. You have blessed me today. ((hugs)) - thinking of all the moms this week-end. Vicki
{{{HUGS}}} May your Mother\'s Day be a gentle one filled with Randy Lee. Hugs, Ann
What a loving and vibrant tribute to your precious son, Randy Lee.
Wishing you a day that you can navigate as gently as possible and I just have to believe that our children feel that EVERY day is Mother\'s Day...
Loving care to your healing and deeply feeling heart,
XO Joanie
I also would like to skip Sunday . It seems that there are alot of days during each year I\'d like to avoid. Life is just like that for me now and for most of our mom\'s. The comforting love and healing words shared help to know we are not alone here. You know how much Randy Lee loved you and it\'s so wonderful his friend shared with you. Keep my good wishes for a tender gentle Mother\'s Day in your heart on Sunday. Hugs, Debbie