Been a while ....
It's been awhile since I've been on here.
I really try to stay positive in life and to find the good in all things. There is always something positive in any situation. The work I do - psych rehab - that's an outlook you really need to have because the stories and lives of those that pass through our program are more than most could ever endure.
March marked 10 yrs of Randy Lee's angel date. Ten years - wow. I'm not sure 10 yrs ago I believed I would still be here at this time to speak those words. My heart ached more than I ever knew was possible. 10 yrs later - the ache and emptiness is still there. I can smile now when I think of the silly things Randy Lee would do. Even for Thanksgiving I was able to smile remembering him as a little boy putting black olives on his fingers to eat them. :) Or the year he refused to eat turkey and wanted a hot dog - which I happily made for him. To heck with tradition ~ it's just food. When he was older and I would watch him eat and wonder where it all was going because I swear that kid could eat his weight in food every day and not gain an ounce! The year my Grandma (was like my mom) and Randy Lee called her "Nan" was too ill to come to our house for Thankgiving like we always did. Randy Lee suggested we take dinner to her - so we did. Not just a plate - the entire Thanksgiving Day dinner and family delivered to her and shared. Even eating off paper plates that year and it not being a fancy set table - it's still one of my favorite memories.
I spent too much time trying to be "super mom" , "super wife" and "super friend" that I worried too much about things that honestly didn't matter. I wasted too much precious time on trying to make things "perfect". I wish I would have allowed pictures to be taken of me especially with my Grandma and Randy Lee. I have way too few of us together because I was too fat, my clothes weren't right, I take bad pics - I had every excuse in the book. It's one of my biggest regrets to this day.
Thanksgiving was "tolerable". Holidays are always hard for all of us. I worked part of the day cooking dinner for my residents. A friend/co-worker and I actually really enjoyed the day, cooking, setting up a nice table, getting it all ready and hearing from "our guys" how thankful they were for what we were doing. It's such a great gift when you are told you make a difference in someone's life. My husband cooked here at our house. We had a small dinner. We hosted a dear lady who lives in the nursing home. This little lady, Gayle stole my heart from the first day I began working for Archway Station. She's about 4'9" tall, 85 lbs and a pistol! Mental Illness is such a cruel thing - it robs people of their memories, their lives. In 2011 she became so ill and dependent on oxygen that she wasn't able to safely live in our program any longer. Since she needed some health supports she was approved to go to a nursing home. My husband and I visit her each week on one of my days off from work. We take her treats, clothes, coffee ( she loves coffee) and spend time chatting. She's part of our family. She's been doing better so this year we had her over for Thanksgiving dinner. She wanted to come early to "teach my husband how to make real potatoes". LOL - my hubby is an accomplished cook but he "was taught" the proper way. She enjoyed dinner so much and for those moments - I felt good. Randy Lee was such a big hearted young man - it was something he would have done. It just shows you sometimes what we take for granted means the world to someone who doesn't have that good fortune.
Each Christmas I would take Randy Lee to a local store that had angel trees - where you pick a tag and shop for a child who would not have Christmas otherwise. I did this with him his entire life because I wanted to him to always know there were people less fortunate. We didn't always have lots of extra money but this was always important to us and Randy Lee would do a great job finding the perfect gifts. I still do this in Randy Lee's memory. This year there wasn't a tag left on the tree so I need to find another place doing this or a child in need to do it for without them knowing. I guess it's a good thing there were so few names this year but I do this in honor of Randy Lee so I'll come up with a new idea. The right thing will present itself. :)
So, may you all find joy in your memories and do what you need to get through these next few weeks. I'm headed to the cemetary today to put on Christmas flowers. I'm not sure I've shared before but I wanted Randy Lee cremated but his dad wanted him buried. I wasn't in a state to argue so he's buried beside his paternal grandma. That he would love. It's bittersweet to me - the cemetary I mean. I put on flowers as a remembrance to him, see his name on the bronze plaque yet I know my son isn't there. His earthly body is beneath the plaque but my son - his spirit - what made him Randy Lee is gone from here. He's in a place of peace and joy and without struggles. I hold that dear - that helps me know he's okay. I still put on the flowers and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just "to be" - I don't know. I will say this, not that the thought isn't always there but seeing his name on that plaque always tugs at my heart for a moment. I catch my breath and there's just a chill about reading his name on that plaque.
Randy Lee D***s
9/12/84 ~ 3/16/03
"Forever in our hearts".
and seeing all the "treasures" his friends have left there. Knowing they still remember him - still think of him - still take time to "visit" him .... that's a good feeling. I know he was a good person and he touched so many lives .... I just wish he knew that. I know he does now.
May your holidays be filled with love and memories. (((hugs)))
I really try to stay positive in life and to find the good in all things. There is always something positive in any situation. The work I do - psych rehab - that's an outlook you really need to have because the stories and lives of those that pass through our program are more than most could ever endure.
March marked 10 yrs of Randy Lee's angel date. Ten years - wow. I'm not sure 10 yrs ago I believed I would still be here at this time to speak those words. My heart ached more than I ever knew was possible. 10 yrs later - the ache and emptiness is still there. I can smile now when I think of the silly things Randy Lee would do. Even for Thanksgiving I was able to smile remembering him as a little boy putting black olives on his fingers to eat them. :) Or the year he refused to eat turkey and wanted a hot dog - which I happily made for him. To heck with tradition ~ it's just food. When he was older and I would watch him eat and wonder where it all was going because I swear that kid could eat his weight in food every day and not gain an ounce! The year my Grandma (was like my mom) and Randy Lee called her "Nan" was too ill to come to our house for Thankgiving like we always did. Randy Lee suggested we take dinner to her - so we did. Not just a plate - the entire Thanksgiving Day dinner and family delivered to her and shared. Even eating off paper plates that year and it not being a fancy set table - it's still one of my favorite memories.
I spent too much time trying to be "super mom" , "super wife" and "super friend" that I worried too much about things that honestly didn't matter. I wasted too much precious time on trying to make things "perfect". I wish I would have allowed pictures to be taken of me especially with my Grandma and Randy Lee. I have way too few of us together because I was too fat, my clothes weren't right, I take bad pics - I had every excuse in the book. It's one of my biggest regrets to this day.
Thanksgiving was "tolerable". Holidays are always hard for all of us. I worked part of the day cooking dinner for my residents. A friend/co-worker and I actually really enjoyed the day, cooking, setting up a nice table, getting it all ready and hearing from "our guys" how thankful they were for what we were doing. It's such a great gift when you are told you make a difference in someone's life. My husband cooked here at our house. We had a small dinner. We hosted a dear lady who lives in the nursing home. This little lady, Gayle stole my heart from the first day I began working for Archway Station. She's about 4'9" tall, 85 lbs and a pistol! Mental Illness is such a cruel thing - it robs people of their memories, their lives. In 2011 she became so ill and dependent on oxygen that she wasn't able to safely live in our program any longer. Since she needed some health supports she was approved to go to a nursing home. My husband and I visit her each week on one of my days off from work. We take her treats, clothes, coffee ( she loves coffee) and spend time chatting. She's part of our family. She's been doing better so this year we had her over for Thanksgiving dinner. She wanted to come early to "teach my husband how to make real potatoes". LOL - my hubby is an accomplished cook but he "was taught" the proper way. She enjoyed dinner so much and for those moments - I felt good. Randy Lee was such a big hearted young man - it was something he would have done. It just shows you sometimes what we take for granted means the world to someone who doesn't have that good fortune.
Each Christmas I would take Randy Lee to a local store that had angel trees - where you pick a tag and shop for a child who would not have Christmas otherwise. I did this with him his entire life because I wanted to him to always know there were people less fortunate. We didn't always have lots of extra money but this was always important to us and Randy Lee would do a great job finding the perfect gifts. I still do this in Randy Lee's memory. This year there wasn't a tag left on the tree so I need to find another place doing this or a child in need to do it for without them knowing. I guess it's a good thing there were so few names this year but I do this in honor of Randy Lee so I'll come up with a new idea. The right thing will present itself. :)
So, may you all find joy in your memories and do what you need to get through these next few weeks. I'm headed to the cemetary today to put on Christmas flowers. I'm not sure I've shared before but I wanted Randy Lee cremated but his dad wanted him buried. I wasn't in a state to argue so he's buried beside his paternal grandma. That he would love. It's bittersweet to me - the cemetary I mean. I put on flowers as a remembrance to him, see his name on the bronze plaque yet I know my son isn't there. His earthly body is beneath the plaque but my son - his spirit - what made him Randy Lee is gone from here. He's in a place of peace and joy and without struggles. I hold that dear - that helps me know he's okay. I still put on the flowers and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just "to be" - I don't know. I will say this, not that the thought isn't always there but seeing his name on that plaque always tugs at my heart for a moment. I catch my breath and there's just a chill about reading his name on that plaque.
Randy Lee D***s
9/12/84 ~ 3/16/03
"Forever in our hearts".
and seeing all the "treasures" his friends have left there. Knowing they still remember him - still think of him - still take time to "visit" him .... that's a good feeling. I know he was a good person and he touched so many lives .... I just wish he knew that. I know he does now.
May your holidays be filled with love and memories. (((hugs)))
Replies
How wonderful to hear from you. Your words are wise and encouraging...thank you for sharing. I cannot believe that it has been 6 1/2 years for me...and I can share in many of the things you say about time and our loss...love and hugs...Karen
You inspired me in many ways. Thank you for sharing!
Leda
You are an earth angel to do the work that you do. Bless you for that!
I hear you on the \"super\" stuff and it wasn\'t any fun trying to be all of that was it? I think it\'s a \"woman thing\" and something that I know I have not wanted to pass along to my daughter or granddaughters. Time to just BE and stop all the doing and know that whatever we can do along the way is enough, more than enough.
Loving care to you as you make your way and really appreciate hearing where you are finding yourself on this path.
Randy Lee will never be forgotten and does live on and IS. They are the ones who have hit the lottery as our dear Donna (Reunion) reminds us.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Thank you all - :) (((hugs)))