Every time I see my son's picture I am amazed at how sad his eyes became in the pictures once he was in high school. His once warming smile had a slight sadness to it and his eyes looked ages beyond where he was. Yet somehow, my heart still sees the little boy who played for hours outside getting so dirty but so content. The sweet child who made me Mother's Day cards with the backwards letters and signed everything Randy Lee Davis RLD once he started using his initials in kindergarten.
I can remember the first time I heard him talk about a girl and how he liked her thinking he was way too young for that. The first basketball game seeing him run up and down the court with boys much, much taller than he. The first wrestling match, cringing under the smiles of support ~ so hard to watch your child on that mat being tossed around. Then hearing him so proud that he wasn't pinned and I was just thankful he didn't have a broken bone. LOL :)
This weekend is not one of my favorites. Mother's day still makes my heart ache. I still feel a loss almost an endless ache knowing while I will always be his mom, I'll never get to feel a hug from him.
My life has moved on since that dark day in 2003. It's not better, it just moved on. I've had moments of feeling I didn't have the right to continue my life ... I didn't want to go on but I did. I won't say I never had thoughts of ending my life because in those days after I heard ... I thought of it many, many times. I knew in my heart that would steal away my chance to see Randy again and that wasn't something I was willing to lose. Some days, I still feel lost. I feel like I'm not the same person, not right somehow. I heard it put this way once and I have felt this .... I will forever walk around with a hole in my heart in the shape of Randy Lee.
So, about to have my 10th Mother's day with my darling boy in heaven. So many times we butted head during those years when he was using drugs ~ we were so, so much alike. Too many times that caused us to be in situations that weren't so nice. too many words that cut like a knife. I hope and pray that Randy Lee has moved beyond that, knows how very much I love him ... that I've always loved him. That he was my heart and soul and while he didn't like it then ... I made those choices because I loved him. I wanted more for him - I never wanted to see him ache. I would have gladly given my life for him.
I handed my struggle over to God. I cried my eyes out and begged God to do what Randy Lee needed to find peace. Nine months later ... he was at peace, just not the way I had hoped.
I'm rambling - it's been a long week. Not feeling well, working too much and adding Mother's day into the mix ...
Happy Mother's Day to all those who have angels watching over them and may you find a memory that keeps you smiling and loving your angel.
I can remember the first time I heard him talk about a girl and how he liked her thinking he was way too young for that. The first basketball game seeing him run up and down the court with boys much, much taller than he. The first wrestling match, cringing under the smiles of support ~ so hard to watch your child on that mat being tossed around. Then hearing him so proud that he wasn't pinned and I was just thankful he didn't have a broken bone. LOL :)
This weekend is not one of my favorites. Mother's day still makes my heart ache. I still feel a loss almost an endless ache knowing while I will always be his mom, I'll never get to feel a hug from him.
My life has moved on since that dark day in 2003. It's not better, it just moved on. I've had moments of feeling I didn't have the right to continue my life ... I didn't want to go on but I did. I won't say I never had thoughts of ending my life because in those days after I heard ... I thought of it many, many times. I knew in my heart that would steal away my chance to see Randy again and that wasn't something I was willing to lose. Some days, I still feel lost. I feel like I'm not the same person, not right somehow. I heard it put this way once and I have felt this .... I will forever walk around with a hole in my heart in the shape of Randy Lee.
So, about to have my 10th Mother's day with my darling boy in heaven. So many times we butted head during those years when he was using drugs ~ we were so, so much alike. Too many times that caused us to be in situations that weren't so nice. too many words that cut like a knife. I hope and pray that Randy Lee has moved beyond that, knows how very much I love him ... that I've always loved him. That he was my heart and soul and while he didn't like it then ... I made those choices because I loved him. I wanted more for him - I never wanted to see him ache. I would have gladly given my life for him.
I handed my struggle over to God. I cried my eyes out and begged God to do what Randy Lee needed to find peace. Nine months later ... he was at peace, just not the way I had hoped.
I'm rambling - it's been a long week. Not feeling well, working too much and adding Mother's day into the mix ...
Happy Mother's Day to all those who have angels watching over them and may you find a memory that keeps you smiling and loving your angel.
Replies
Precious memories.... And yes, Randy KNOWS your love and the truth and rightness of your choices as a mom.
Hope you begin to feel better soon sweet friend, try to rest as much as you can. Life can be so exhausting, huh?
Tight hugs and lots of love~~Teri
I see myself in your words as this was very much the journey I had as well with my son the last years of his life. What a roller coaster of emotions and a powerlessness and helplessness that he was an adult, not living under my roof and that I could not control him, his actions or the outcome. I too surrendered him to Spirit daily and my son found peace and the healing he sought just like your Randy Lee. Deepest of sighs...
I have no doubt our sons know our hearts... Just as we know theirs... A cruel and insidious disease was what they had and their essence is what matters. Two amazing and wonderful sons who did their best each day to get that monkey of addiction off of their backs. Now, they are healed, whole and free and oh, how we wish they could have found that while still in their earth suits.
Hoping you can have some pauses in the midst of the busyness because I know my grief really sky rockets when I\'m tired and or sick.
Lots of love and heart hugs my friend. You are not alone.
XO Joanie
I can relate to what you are saying about how Randy\'s eyes began to show slight sadness as he entered high school. As I look at the most recent photos of my sons....I see that sadness too.
We may never know what they were really going thru, but we knew they struggled. They didn\'t want to be addicted, but that\'s how they dealt with their pain. As mother\'s, the feeling of being helpless & scared seemed to be what we felt everyday for them. At times it was unbearable. I remember one time praying if dying myself would somehow help bring my sons back to their original mental & emotional state, I was willing. I didn\'t want to leave my sons, but hoping something good could come out of a tragic situation. Anything to give them some peace again. Like your Randy, my Jeremy & Chad are no longer struggling, but are at peace.
Until we are united with them again, may the times they felt joy, happiness & contentment bring us a bit of peace & maybe even a smile. Remembering they were so much more than their illness.....they were precious, loving, kind & funny. May we be comforted knowing their illness is now gone.
My mother\'s heart is holding your mother\'s heart with care, understanding & love. Loving hugs to you my dear friend. Love, Vicki
My emotions sky rocket too when I\'m not feeling well, over stressed (when isn\'t that so?) or near holidays. I just happen to be all three this week.
I take solice in knowing Randy Lee is at peace. Even 10 years later it still hurts knowing that death is what it too for him to have that. He was so, so very much more than his addiction. As are most ~ they feel things beyond what others see and become someone they really aren\'t.
I think I\'ve shared but not sure that I changed my career path after Randy\'s passing. I had spent so many years working with \"problem children\" in the school system but after Randy died ~ my heart just wasn\'t in it. It\'s not a job you can do well without your heart being there. I saw an ad in the local paper for the psychiatric rehab I work for now. I was led there - I so believe that. I work with people who have mental health concerns as well as those with dual diagnosis of addictions. I am in it with all my heart - i know Randy\'s story has helped me in this job and by that, helped so many others.
Thanks again for the feedback and hugs to all