God places people in your life for a reason. Losing a child, no matter their age, is an example of that. I was blessed with Randy Lee for 18 years. Even knowing the outcome, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I think the same is true for people you meet. God places them in our lives ... and us in theirs for a reason. Maybe it's just to show us something ... about them or ourself ... maybe it's so they can help us, or we can help them.
I had one of these experiences today at work. I was asked to train a person on my team. I'm always up for that challenge. She was a lady about 55 and quite nice. We chatted about our job, doing psych rehab and the challenges. She made a comment that if I were a different person I may have let go by without a question but I've been told I'm pretty direct. LOL
She commented that she was quite worried about her own daughter and she was struggling. That her daughter told her she "quite smoking pot" but that she knew it wasn't true. She went on to say that she has 2 other children, all three with their own addictions. She looked at me and said words I have too often thought to myself .... "I'm not sure what I did to cause that".
I smiled sort of half and said what I've said so many times before to others ... "YOU didn't do anything, they made their own choices ... good and bad". Then I reached across my desk and handed her a pic of Randy Lee. I smiled when I said "This is my son Randy ... smart child, some not so smart choices". She just looked at the pic and then at me like she was almost afraid of what I was saying. I just reached out for the pic and said "March will be 10 years, he was 18". "We all play the should have, would have, could have game with ourselves but in the end we raise our kids to think for themselves ... good or bad".
Then she said those words I really cringe when I hear "you must be so strong" - no, I'm not ... I'm just a mom.
I've been really struggling the past few weeks but I've become so good at hiding it few really read me well to know it. For days I've heard Love Me When I'm Gone on the radio and just feel like it's Randy saying "hey mom -- I know". Then it occured to me tonight when she left my office to go work that maybe she was placed on my team this week for a reason.
While I have often wished Randy hadn't gone, that those 4 yrs prior never occured but if that would mean I wouldn't have had Randy ... then I wouldn't want that. I would still have Randy if I had known then it was for a short 18 years. To have not known him would be far more painful. I never want to not feel that small twinge of pain/hurt when I think about him. In my mind, it would some how mean I didn't care as much.
So tonight, I'm going to not cry, to go to sleep without feel sad but I will miss him. I just am thankful God graced me with him for the short time he did. I'm also going to say a small pray for my new team member that she find that path with God she needs to see we all are given tasks, some great & some small but none more challenging than we can shoulder.