22 days
It has been 22 days...I know that isn't a very long time but it feels like a lifetime and indeed, it is a new life. I have to keep reminding myself, come back to now. One day at a time. The future is overwhelming. Every plan I had revolved around her and I was so happy with that.So, to think about the future just kills me. One day at a time, one moment at a time.
I haven't finished my "Thank You" notes. I started them one day with great momentum and got a lot out. When I got tired, I stopped. I know better, I have to be so careful. I don't want to do the rest, but I might change my mind. I can't throw them away and I wonder...is that one more task that, when it's complete, will trigger more grief, make it more real??? At the moment they are in a drawer, both taunting me and repulsing me. They are in the bottom drawer, with cards, the book the funeral home gave me. Sometime I open the drawer and look at the stuff.
Should I throw all the stuff away??? Or will it be important someday??? For the time being I just let it sit. I guess I will know what to do in time, maybe my heart will lead me one way or the other. All her things... I have given a lot away to her closest friends, but there is still a lot. I had to go thru boxes of clothes looking for a particular sweater one of her friends requested. This friend has been amazingly supportive, has shared so much with me. Every photo, every text, every e-mail. I wanted to do it for her, but it was hard. Of course it was hard. Seeing her favorite things (she LOVED cardigans).
I haven't been back to work and I don't think I can. I have a very stressful job, I know at this point I am not capable. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I am hoping he will fill out the proper paperwork so I can get protection under FMLA. I don't want to get fired, and I don't know how I will feel tomorrow, much less the future. I might decide to go back.
I know this is a hard question to answer, maybe even impossible...but here I am...asking...When will it get better??? I mean, I have better moments...but does anyone have an approximate timeline as to when I will start wanting to live because I want to live...not to live just to prevent hurting my loved ones the way we have already been hurt??? Any advice???
I haven't finished my "Thank You" notes. I started them one day with great momentum and got a lot out. When I got tired, I stopped. I know better, I have to be so careful. I don't want to do the rest, but I might change my mind. I can't throw them away and I wonder...is that one more task that, when it's complete, will trigger more grief, make it more real??? At the moment they are in a drawer, both taunting me and repulsing me. They are in the bottom drawer, with cards, the book the funeral home gave me. Sometime I open the drawer and look at the stuff.
Should I throw all the stuff away??? Or will it be important someday??? For the time being I just let it sit. I guess I will know what to do in time, maybe my heart will lead me one way or the other. All her things... I have given a lot away to her closest friends, but there is still a lot. I had to go thru boxes of clothes looking for a particular sweater one of her friends requested. This friend has been amazingly supportive, has shared so much with me. Every photo, every text, every e-mail. I wanted to do it for her, but it was hard. Of course it was hard. Seeing her favorite things (she LOVED cardigans).
I haven't been back to work and I don't think I can. I have a very stressful job, I know at this point I am not capable. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I am hoping he will fill out the proper paperwork so I can get protection under FMLA. I don't want to get fired, and I don't know how I will feel tomorrow, much less the future. I might decide to go back.
I know this is a hard question to answer, maybe even impossible...but here I am...asking...When will it get better??? I mean, I have better moments...but does anyone have an approximate timeline as to when I will start wanting to live because I want to live...not to live just to prevent hurting my loved ones the way we have already been hurt??? Any advice???
Replies
I am so sorry - reading your journal sounds a lot like me - I\'ve always been a \"need to do this\" and \"need to do that\" right away like write Thank you notes and clean and \"tie up loose ends\" but when you lose your child - the world as we once knew and functioned in it stops - It doesn\'t stop forever but IT\'S OKAY IF NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE DONE RIGHT NOW! Be gentle with yourself every minute and sometimes that means just Being..whatever that might be. ((hugs)) and much love to you today! Vicki
there is no time line,,, we all do this in our own way and time,, but you now have sisters of the heart (soth) to hold your hand as you go.
I have not gone through Morgan\'s things,,, except I just did her underwear drawer (that was big achievement for me) just 2 weeks ago. I am planning to make a quilt from her clothes,,, many moms have had quilts made,, and love them. everything in her room will wait until I am ready and when I finally get ready well, we will see...
please take your time on those notes,,, they will wait,,,, do a few when you can... love ya!!
I\'ve done a bunch of my thank yous -- but didn\'t start for 3 months and now have some stragglers to do, but maybe I\'ll get to them and maybe not. Give yourself a break and don\'t worry about doing them at all. I wouldn\'t throw anything out though at least not for a while. I think we don\'t really know what we might want to keep or not for a while, so better to err on the side of keeping everything even if you later toss them. I know I still have my mom\'s notes from when she died 16 years ago because I might want to look at them again and remember the kindness of those who sent them and their memories of my mother. Maybe I won\'t ever read them, but they are there. My son, Jackson, was 17 when I lost him 6 months ago and I plan on doing the same with his cards and notes. I don\'t know if I can stand to read them again, but I am going to keep them because I may need to do that someday.
I hope you get the paperwork filled out properly. I had a doc friend diagnose me with \"reactive grief disorder\" after I lost my son and it did the trick. Worst case scenario, get a 2nd opinion if you need one. No one should have to go back to work right after such a devastating loss.
Wishing you peace -- Laura
Everyone starts the healing process on their own timeline, but your pain and loss of Cassi is still so new and devastating, I would like to suggest that you give yourself plenty of time to somewhat heal and adjust to Cassi being gone, before you throw anything away or distribute her belongings to others. After my Jason died I went through his room and belongings too quickly and did not save much for myself. Jason loved clothes, and since he was an only child, he had a lot of nice things to wear. I donated all of his clothing to our local homeless shelter for young boys trying to get off drugs. Most of them had nothing except the clothes on their back, and had no family support to speak of. His girlfriend asked if she could have some of his things, and I let her go into his room and take whatever she wanted, and also a lot of his cousins asked for things. A year or so later, after I began to heal, I wished I had kept some of his belongings, especially a few articles of clothing, so I could have had them made into a blanket or spread as a lot of the mothers on this site have done. I was so distraught at the time of his death I never thought of this. Give yourself a good year or 2 and your outlook will be somewhat different than it is now. I send hugs and lots of love. Katrina
Gina,
This is so painful, I know. Nora is right, there is no timeline. I am 4-1/2 years into it and for me it is getting better but ever so slow. I remember late in the 2nd year another mom and I realized we had laugh (really laughed and was in that moment, then gone. For both of us we had laughed about our dogs.)
Now I can laugh and live but still stay stuck in my house in pajamas most of the time. (I had to go on disability 10 years before Josh died which was also a big loss and disappointment.) My mom died 18 months before Josh died. I am engaging in life with my houseplants, and finding new interests. Still, I am stuck somewhat. I am working hard on getting unstuck.
My best help came here on FMO with our Soths to help me in more ways than I can count. A few have left, but not totally after 3 years. Others drop in here and there around days that seem intolerable, like birthdays and holidays.
It DOES get better but it is a situation that never completely goes away. I am changed forever but I can feel almost alive again. A friend came back into my life recently and I warned her I am not the same person I was. So far it is working. She does let me talk about Josh and the group here. She loves that it is so supportive.
Right now it is as if you were in intensive care, this is so fresh, tender, raw. Breathe and keep it in the moment.
Sending hugs your way,
Leda
Thank you ladies...means so much
There is no time line for this horrible journey that we all are on. It has been 8 years and some days not often something will trigger an emotion and the flood gates will open and I will cry and cry and cry...still asking Why? It will get better over time but you will never be the same person you were. I have come to grips with that knowing I am not the same person that I was. Be gentle with yourself and don\'t let other people that really don\'t have a clue try to get you to \"move on\" upset you. I hope you can get some time off. I did take some time off from my job too. When I went back it was so hard I just wanted to scream at people for going on with their lives. Slowly I was able to function without people worrying about what not to say.
Love and hugs to you.
Nell
I cursed every thank you note I wrote. It took way longer than proper etiquette dictates it should. But I eventually got through it...hating every moment of it.
I too have \"that\" box of stuff from the funeral home. Hate that box too. But keep it...for whatever reason may come in the future.
Gave away SOOO many clothes....held on to so many clothes....finally boxing up a bunch of her shirts and sending to one of our moms here, NoraMc, who made a fabulous quilt out of them. A treasure for sure. This happened year 6 for me. Just threw away her deodorant about a week ago...after 7 years. No rhyme or reason for keeping the damned deodorant, but I did...I even smelled it for years hoping to smell her \"stink\" on it...LOL...deep sigh...oh the things we do...
Have a few of her clothes hanging in my closet and a few things I wear...PJ pants, sweatshirts, tee\'s, some shorts...
I know healing began from the very first moment, although it didn\'t FEEL, or LOOK like healing. I pushed and pushed and pushed myself forward...demanding I survive until I could WANT to LIVE again.
The wanting came subtly...and the guilt of it slammed up to my knees!! Funny how we demand ourselves to survive and find LIFE again, and yet when we finally see some light, we curse ourselves for seeing it...for even wanting it...but we do...I did.
MY experience has been slow and steady progress towards my healing, and for whatever unexplainable reason it was my year four that I saw, felt, and KNEW I had truly, fully \"turned a corner\" and was allowing myself to live and laugh and be ME again. I\'m now in my year 7 and I can honestly say my life is GOOD again.
7 years later and I MISS my baby everyday...but I am living MY life everyday...\"fully involved\" and with much gratitude.
FMO saved me. Kala, saved me. The Great Spirit saved me (a whole other subject I won\'t bore you with now). And I even saved myself.
There IS hope and there IS life after losing a child.
We have a drawer as well stuffed full of everything from Wade\'s wallet to sheriff\'s papers, etc. Plus all the funeral home stuff. One of the treasures is a photo book he had made himself from his childhood. He had his own home and we kept it exactly as it was for over 2 years. Then, his sisters and his mother went through everything and what they didn\'t want was donated. We kept nothing except the hunting clothes he was wearing the last time we saw him. In a bag in the bottom of the closet. We have his guns and his bow (big deer hunter). My husband killed a deer with Lucille (gun) this past year.
Don\'t feel rushed to do anything. Do it when YOU feel able. Wade\'s dad still cannot open that drawer. I go in and out of it as I need to (to charge his cell phone mostly).
Bless you this day with Peace of heart and mind.
Your loss is so very new and please do not have any expectations around anything.
In one of my books that I read early on about grief/loss it said that our loss of our children is like being a patient in the ICU on life support. It has stayed with me as a visual that I have carried because our wounds are deep and in need of so much loving care.
Do not make any decisions until your heart gives you the nudge and there are no timelines. It is your daughter, your loss, your life and it will be your healing that will take on a path of its own. I learned that if I felt any dread or doubt that I needed to pause and not making a decision was making one and that it just had to be okay for now.
I am SO sorry that you have a need to BE here, yet grateful that you are. FMO continues to be one of my most powerful healing tools and it\'s time now for you to receive. Lean into everything you are feeling and know that there are no answers, just a path that asks for you to walk it when you can and to hold onto a hand that is extended your way.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart with SO much understanding,
XO Joanie